"Be a Man"

I know I haven't blogged in a while. It's interesting because I keep coming back to this blog--even though I still keep an actual diary--when I think something that I write can potentially help someone else. So here it is.

We have all heard the phrase, "Be a Man."
However, I have said this phrase a little too much to my boyfriend lately.
 And in a condescending and demeaning way.
And I realized I have been absolutely wrong.

When you hear the phrase, "be a man," what kind of expectations does that bring to mind?
Ideally, for me, it was something like this:
1.A man is someone who handles his emotions
2.A man is someone who is strong minded and doesn't break under pressure
3.A man is someone who goes after what he wants no matter what
4.A man is someone who gets what he wants no matter what

Those are just some ideas that come to mind--for me.

And what's the problem here?
Well, I was holding my WONDERFUL beloved boyfriend, soon to be fiancee, to these expectations.
And these expectations were given to me by the not-so-wonderful past men of my life:
an absent father
an disconnected and unaffectionate step-father
an abusive and porn-addicted ex-boyfriend
& other men who were only interested in using me

Those expectations I had on "being a man" were rooted, respectively, in:
1.Disconnect (not identifying nor sharing feelings)
2.False sense of perfection (not sharing feelings of fear or shortcomings/imperfections)
3.Selfishness (not taking other's feelings into consideration)
4.Lust (not respecting other's feelings and choices to accomplish self-gratification)

Now, with that said, what does it really truly mean to "Be a Man?"

I was having a constructive dialogue with my beloved, as we sat underneath some shelter from the rain, and I realized that although we weren't arguing--simply discussing matters that needed to be discussed and sorted through--I was shutting down. My heart was closing up and I didn't want to be present in that moment. I knew that was wrong and I decided to pray. I asked God, "Lord, What should I say right now?" I really wanted to just go inside and put my pajamas on for the night. But as I prayed, God responded. "Tell him, "I love you."" It was that simple but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to continue to be cold and ignore all the feelings that we were discussing and sorting through. I was quiet. My beloved turned to me with sweet eyes and asked what I was thinking. Reluctantly, I admitted, "I'm just praying."
Without hesitation, he responded, "Can I pray with you?"

His words had never been said to me by any man of my past. I was reassured of why God had placed this wonderful man in my life, especially at this time of my life. Reluctantly, again, I admitted that I knew what to say to help our conversation, but that I had been fighting it on purpose (saying "I love you")--that I was trying to suppress my emotion and keep it hidden in the dark corners of my heart. But, as I admitted that, out loud, my expectations of what it means to "be a man" were immediately shattered.

A real man is someone who never hesitates to speak with the person he loves. (Real connection)
A real man doesn't hesitate to admits his flaws and talk about them. (Real perfection--improvement)
A real man is someone who never hesitates to place the feelings of others first. (Real Selflessness)
A real man acknowledges and accepts the decision's and feeling's of others (Real respect)
And above all, a real man never shy's away from prayer nor Love, in all its imperfections (Real faith)

I had been expecting my WONDERFUL BELOVED MAN to be less of the man he was made to be.
And I will not be making that mistake again.
Good thing is, a real man also never backs down from sharing his heart with the woman he loves.
And I know this because my beloved loves me, without reservations.

I thank God for this good man.
I love you Timothy.
I am so grateful for you.
You are my favorite.

Hope

Somewhere over the rainbow, my prince charming is waiting at the end of it with a pot o' gold and a beautiful big diamond ring... But most importantly, he is there with his heart, waiting for me. Yep, somewhere out there.


Recently, the concept of a relationship has sprung up again into my mind and into my heart. And if you know me and what I have been going through, that is somewhat of a shock. But, I think the main reason why I am thinking about this a lot is because I was discerning a religious vocation (aka becoming a nun). It's been something that I have been praying about. However, another reason why I have been thinking about it a lot is because, I woke up one morning in a not-so-cheery mood, when my mother attacked me with the dreaded question: "When are you gonna get a boyfriend?! YA ES TIEMPO MI'JA!" All I could do, as I rubbed away some sleep from my eyes, was to sigh deeply. But inside, so many answers fluttered in a frenzy across my mind. I wanted to shout out "When I can find a decent man!" or "NEVER!! ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!!" 


But the truth is, I know it won't happen anytime soon because what needs to first happen is for me to properly be able to discern between the TRASH and the TREASURE. See, men (and women as well) can be quite mischievous and clever and with so many tricks up their sleeves, and all in the wrong respects. Growing up, I have had my fair share of horrible relationships. This one time, when I was fourteen and my ignorance allowed me to date an 18-year-old (shame on him/me), I thought I was falling in love. The guy I was dating was doing everything right: calling me everyday, telling me beautiful things and hopes for a happy future, and not only that, but he was buying me almost everything I never knew I wanted. From coach bags, to an entire ruby jewelry set collection, he was pampering me like no one has ever done. And that was nice and all, but I've always been a simple girl: my love don't cost a thing, and you definitely can't buy me with fancy gifts. On our one-month anniversary (lol --if you've ever been in a teenage romance, you know you had those too!), he took me to the fancy catering hall he was working at and had it set up like a movie! One table in the middle of a big room, with dim lights, candles, red roses, and a violinist! To make a sad tale short, he got me drunk without my consent and tried to take advantage of me, but because I never gave him what he wanted (sex), he broke up with me immediately the following morning. He did it over the phone and was so honest about it: "I just called to tell you that while we were dating, I was with my girlfriend the whole time. And I only wanted you to have sex. But since you are such a prude bitch, I don't need you anymore" I remember his words so clearly. I was so angry and upset and hurt and I felt so used and dumb, but I told him off and we never spoke again. At least I still had my dignity; He couldn't buy me no matter how hard he tried. 


I shared that little story because it is the most extreme case that I know of in regards to how far people will actually go just to get sex--without any concern about the damage they do to another person. Did he completely forget that I had a heart? Little do people come to realize that finding a person of HEART is a rare commodity this day and age. And that is why I refrain from being in a relationship right now. Not just because of that one jerk I dated a couple of years ago, but because I still see jerks like that (men AND women). There are so many people out there who only want the physical, who don't care about the wonderful gifts that come with LOVE, and who won't even put the time to pretend to want to be in a loving relationship. This society has turned so many hearts into cold lifeless machines, but mine is still beating hot and bright because of the love of Christ. And I am not ashamed to say it. I still believe in love because I believe that there IS something MORE for me, someone made FOR me and someone who will LOVE me like I was MADE to be loved. 


It is interesting because sometimes, it does get really lonely, of course it does! I am not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I wake up strong and happy to be single every single day. HECK NO! I want my man. But the difference is that I know I need to be patient. And it is also interesting because sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who still believes in true love anymore--who still wants to wait for true love. But here I am, waiting. And patience has never been my strongest trait. But prayer and hope really does wonders.

I was praying while I was walking my dog one night, giving thanks for having experienced another day, when I noticed a little light out of the corner of my eye. And then it disappeared. When I focused a tiny bit more, I noticed there were so many! They were all floating around a beautiful bush of light pink roses. Fireflies! One thing I love so much about summer nights are fireflies. They pop up when you least expect it, and they do so with such poise.  Fireflies are so special because they don't just intrude on the scenery, but rather, they seam to weave themselves seamlessly through the moments, glowing dimly, in and out of existence. They are magnificent representations of life--fleeting moments of brilliance, yet, so poignant. When I see them, living so easily, they truly spark my hope, much like how they give new light to the night. 


As my dog was watching them with me, I felt a peaceful hope. I know that I will live to see the day where my heart glows again, warm and fuzzy and happy. 

Family Matters

"if God always rescued those who were true to Him, christians would not need faith. their religion would be a great insurance policy and there would be lines of selfish people ready to sign up... the cross is proof God doesnt always bring us out of our pain but that He always has a greater plan in mind at the end. He loves u, hang tight to Him even when its hard i promise it will be worth it ♥ -31 status" .... TRUER WORDS could not have been spoken to me right now. Everything happens for a reason and tonight is SURELY a testament of God's immense Love and unimaginable plans... that are always better than I can imagine. the pain that we feel prepares us for the battle but we know that God is our STRENGTH.


Lately, I thought that I was losing my personal closeness to God. In the sense, that I haven't been FEELING Him like I used to--back when my heart was truly broken and so desperate for Him. I used to HEAR God speaking in my life. I used to SEE God showing me amazing things. And I was so blessed and grateful for it. But lately, I have felt cut out from that connection--maybe my access to God was over? These can be scary thoughts because these are those moments that we have that when we pray, we may sometimes feel like no one is listening. Am I just talking to myself?? And maybe, you feel that way now.. that you try to pray, you really do, but maybe God just really isn't listening to you...


Even through these times, I kept praying, but that feeling of disconnect was looming more each day and I didn't feel as eager to pray, or as open to the thought of prayer. I used to go about most of my days with thanksgiving and conversations to God. But, the distractions of school and friendships and past pain kept growing more and more and I briefly stopped acknowledging God in the complete way that He so only deserves. And this led me to feel, alone, .. again. And it is not a good feeling, I know. 


And I didn't want to stay in this feeling of loneliness, the emptiness of my prayers--blank requests to a paper deity. I knew that God was still there, but I wondered, why don't I feel You anymore?  They say that Mother Teresa was a woman who experienced just this; this "Dark Night of the Soul," although hers was probably more intense than mine. I never stopped praying though. And I think that made all the difference.


I still craved of the Goodness of the Lord, I still wanted more of Him, I just felt I was losing that relationship. For a brief moment. And so, I was very much looking forward to going to my Catholic Youth Group--to surround myself with a supportive community that understands and more importantly, actively seeks God as a community. These teenagers really inspire me because they have willingly chosen the love of the Lord, because they see that His Love is greater and more faithful than any lust of this world. I love going to this group for so many reasons, but mainly because I go there knowing that I am not alone in my struggles--that as a family in Christ, we have been brought together for a reason. 


And I definitely believe that things happen for a reason. 

Every third Friday of the month, we have started a tradition of going out as a group--to do something fun as friends. I was very much looking forward to this, because ever since my semester finished, the pain of my past has been knocking on my heart, trying to bring me down. So I needed the joy of the present that is present in these youth to remind me that I will be okay, after it all. 

I was looking forward to it. But I thought I had lost my wallet and so this whole fiasco led to stress and wrong accusations on my part of theft, but mostly, this loss of my wallet led my parents to forbid me to stay out and thus, led me to head back home. I wasn't able to stay out and have fun! AND I AM TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD! And it wasn't even past eleven pm :( My younger sister was also upset, so there was that added disappointment on my shoulders. 

I thought I just needed a night out with good people and good conversation. But God had something bigger for me that night and I didn't know it until after it all. Which is why I am writing this: I want to remember this night forever. 

I entered my home, ready for battle--ready to argue with my close-minded father and ready to explode because of all the stress and pain I've been feeling lately. And it started out UGLY. But ended with GLORY. I'd like to think this is how God sees us with the sin in our lives. 

I walked straight to my parents bedroom and began going off, angry at the injustice among other things. In the past, my step-father has compared me to prostitutes of the night, to the crazy clubbers and druggies, and all because I hang out at night. (reality: I don't dress skimpy. I don't like clubs nor drugs nor actions of any prostitute; my father apologized for the quick judgments--but I do understand him, I can't blame him if that is what the media is portraying the youth of today.) My step-father also started out by attacking my faith, that I was becoming "too Christian," loving God "too much," and as a Muslim, he was getting sick of it. And he didn't want my sister to get sucked into it like I had let myself. This led to tears and harsh words, but with a quick and sincere prayer to God, I started understanding where all this was coming from: my parents have been contemplating getting separated.

And I had no idea until tonight. 

And it broke my heart. 

I cried when I realized this. My biological father left before he even met me. Will my dad leave now, too? I was breaking inside as I heard my parents tell me their pain. Their marriage has never been the most romantic or affectionate, due to my dad's strict Muslim upbringing and culture mainly, but also to my mother's laziness and lack of understanding. But I never imagined that they felt they were falling out of love, that perhaps my family would get broken up and I would join the ranks of Americans whose families failed and where the sacrament of marriage was undermined. Never say never, right? 

But, I also realized that God has a reason for my very existence, that I am meant to be so much more--truly a Light in this dark world during these dark times. I had wanted to be bowling with my friends, carefree and in a sense, care-less. My family needed me tonight, they needed me there to care--because they were on the verge of not caring anymore, of giving up on us as a family. I'm not saying they were going to get a divorce right then and there, but their hearts were breaking and they needed healing.

It's interesting because although I am their daughter, most of my life in this family has had me as the adult--I have always had to solve conflicts, be the mediator and mentor, help out with finances, etc. And that is a burden most kids don't have. They get to be kids, and get to ask of their parents. But with me, my parents have always been asking of me; they have needed me to be the adult and shed clear light on their troubles and situations. It's scary sometimes because I feel that I can barely handle my own struggles, so to add my parent's pain on top of that, and my sister's as well, ... well, my heart gets crushed sometimes. But God's heart is here. And all I know, is that He provides. He loves better than our hearts are able to. So crushed or not, God used me tonight to heal some hearts. 

And that is a sublime and divine privilege. 

It is easy to give up; to not care, to not love, to be selfish and have fun; to forget that there, in fact, are other hearts out there that just need to hear "I Love You" before it's too late. But we are not called to an easy life. 

My parents began the night in tears and hurt, but thanks to the miracles of God's plans, they ended the night in smiles and tickles--rejuvenated love. 

I don't know the future, but I know that God does. And I know that God does and works all things for Good... Even when I doubt it sometimes. What's so great is that God doesn't DOUBT like me though. God DOES. and just IS. And God is Love, after it all ... <3 

Thoughts

Ever wondered why things happen the way they do? Well, that is the story of my life, about 99% of the time. Even with faith in God, certain occurrences and situations really stump me. Like, why did one of my close friends lose their mom to cancer? She was still pretty young, and her leaving meant that not only did my friend lose his mother, but his dad lost his adored wife, and my mom lost her best friend. It was a low blow for all of us and ever since, things have definitely not been the same. My close friend and I aren't so close anymore, unfortunately, and no matter how I try to close the gap that has been widening over the years, he is still distant and won't acknowledge it. His father is happy, sure, with a new girlfriend, who is living with them, but you can see the sadness imprinted on his face. I don't know if it will ever really go away. And my own sweet mother, well, she has kept herself busier than ever, going through so many different jobs and coming out of it dissatisfied  every time.
I also wonder why the blessing of going abroad for a year really tested my character. I was in perhaps two of the most beautiful places in the world: Florence, Italy and Prague, Czech Republic. The former was a dream come true--a dream I did not even know was possible, but then, with so many blessings from the LORD, why did I even doubt! It came to pass: application after application, and with no personal cost for me or my family! Say Whaaaat? And since I could, I went abroad once more to the latter destination. I enjoyed myself in both locations, and I definitely learned a lot about myself and about the world surrounding me. But I had to reach my lowest low for some reason unbeknownst to my person. Read on.
Interestingly enough, leaving home to study abroad also placed more tension on a crumbling relationship I had with a man who I thought was going to be The One. Yes, The One—to marry, to love and to hold, for ever and ever, amen. But I now know that that very same relationship had been poisoning me for as long as I can remember. The distance was much needed breathing room, which slowly revealed the true nature of the man I thought was going to be The One. Yes, he turned out to be The One—to break my heart, to leave me hopeless and reckless, to drag me to the pits of Hell with suicidal thoughts and self-corruption (which manifested themselves in Prague while I was visiting Berlin alone). He was mainly the one who showed me that I had to value myself, alone. Because when I was alone in Prague, my mind went crazy, over and over, and I became someone I didn't know. I was different. The person I became scared me and the reason I was so scared was because I felt like I was losing myself to the destruction of the world of drugs. I won't say much more on the matter, because it is very frightening to speak about, but I can assure you, that if it wasn't for what Jesus did for me (and you) on The Cross, I wouldn't be here, alive, sharing my tale. It is as simple as that.
Read on?
With everything I have been through in my young life of only twenty years—not knowing my father and wondering about my origins, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my step-father, losing three sets of best friends to the frailties of youth, typical doubts and fears of self-worth due to past obesity, feeling true hopelessness and loss of sanity, a house fire at the age of five—how did I even make it this far? What else will I have to go through? That may be a little dramatic, but pain is relative. 
It also is all in the mind, speaking from a Psychological perspective. 
As I write this, the only justification for any of this, or any pain experienced by anyone in life, is that endurance produces character (Romans 5:4). Somewhere else in the bible (1 Peter 1:7), it is mentioned that when fires engulf our lives, they are only extant to refine our faith, in a sense, to bring forth the true gold that lies within our character. So the only constant in life is truth, let's say: something like the Sun. This is something that we can all agree on, regardless of religious/personal beliefs, or whether you are a child of the day or a creature of the night. 
The Sun always... is.
And I find that to be comforting. 

Thus Far

I take a look at my life thus far and if I had written this entry just a little bit earlier, I probably would have been morbid and bitter and shown to regret every turn I have taken. But standing here today, and writing this now, I feel wiser and firmer in my decisions than ever before, and I am proud to say that, although it may not have been in anyway how I saw it, I am slowly getting to the place where I need to be. And I have God to thank for getting me here safely.

Being away in Europe for an entire year, away from the people I love and the home that I now appreciate more than ever, I have learned many valuable life lessons; lessons that have grounded my faith, that have strengthened my sense of self, and that have showed me that the love I have with my family is one that I could never be without. But what's more is that I have learned the most important lesson of all: True Love is the only refuge.

When I say that True Love is the only refuge, the only safe-haven, the only thing that can guide us correctly... I am not talking strictly about any human love. No. It is more than that. It is spiritual. It is personal. It is outside of the realm. It is something that words cannot describe. It is that type of Love, that type of Belonging, that we ALL, at some point or another, are desperately seeking, reaching out for always, and are always hoping that an indefinite sense of security does really exist. And after everything I have been through, I can assure anyone, anywhere, anytime, that it does exist. And I received it as a gift. And we can all have this gift of unconditional, everlasting, protecting, True love. We just have to start at the source: looking within and reaching outwards, sharing it with those who need it most.

In my time of need, God surrounded me with angels, people who really care about me and who dropped everything just to make sure that I was okay. And in my time of need, I was shocked that such love and such compassion actually existed in this world. Since then, everything has changed for me.

And since then, although I know I am safe and loved and that I have nothing to fear, life still throws little worries and challenges at me. And I have to admit that if I were alone in all of this, I probably wouldn't be able to withstand the ferocity of these issues. But because of the love of God and the support of my family, I am slowly getting through it.

I have been through a major break-up, involving more than heartache, where the flesh was made a playground, both in pleasure and in pain. Emotional pain. But also physicial pain--bruises that are now faded, but the burden behind them is still as heavy as the cement holding the foundations of buildings. It has been almost two months that I have cried everyday, trying to deal with it. It has been almost two months that there was no contact between the two of us. It has been almost two months that I have been in intensive therapy, trying to cope with my sanity that has been tangled in the ropes of life. It was almost two months, and then out of nowhere, he has begun to reach out to me again, almost begging my return.

But after all the progress I have made, I do feel stronger, and I can actually stand here and say that I do not know if I even want him back. We have been through a lot, and he seems sincere in his words, but I wonder if his actions could ever match up to his claims? Could his actions actually change from before? Could he actually become the man that he claims he can be for me? I always aim to believe in people, but I am a little scared about this one. For now, I am taking a break, and leaving it all in the hands of God. I am unsure about my next step, but I am sure that I can not take a step backward. Whatever happens has to be something that moves me forward. And I am waiting to be guided by the hands of True Love.

Also, there is another distraction in the mix. I have met a co-worker at one of my two current jobs. He definitely is not anymore perfect for me than my ex, but he is definitely keeping me distracted. There is just something about him that is so unbelievable appealing, I can't even grasp it. Of course, life would have it that the downside of this possible new romance is that he is already involved with some other woman. And I should take that as a clear indication that he is off-limits and that I should not even think about him, but I do find myself thinking about this new man and I do not know how to stop it.

After all of this, I am just wondering where it will all go... Where will I end up? I wish I could speed up time, fast forward to the part where all my problems are trophies of the past, obstacles that I overcame, and that I could be happy with a family of my own. However, I know that I would not want to waste a single second of my time here on Earth, and that this one life to live is worth that one love, no matter how we get there or where we end up.

Believing vs. Waiting

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping,
I stay up and think of you..."

I'm a big Selena fan and I know so many of her songs, especially Dreaming of You. I can't feel more connected to this song than this moment right here. I have been dreaming of the love of my life, and I have waited for him what seems like almost a year. Sure, we've had rocky bumps this past year, but he should know "Como te necessito." I love this man with all my heart and it would only seem right that we end up together. Is it crazy? I don't know. I kind of think it might be. But that's what Love is, right? Crazy and unpredictable and consuming and worth it all. And I know, that someday, he will be worth it all. I am just waiting for him to forgive himself because, I think I have forgiven him. What he did against us doesn't even matter at this point because when it comes down to it, he's the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. No more lies. No more pain. No more games.

I want to be with him. And I am finally going to listen to my heart. I just hope with all my life that his heart feels exactly the same.. How could it not, right? We have been through so much and regardless of the downs, we always come back to the ups, and love just glows brighter than the last time. I don't want to keep going back and forth, wading in the confusion of a maybe. I don't want the maybe. I don't want the no. I want the yes.
I am not asking to marry him, I am not asking to be together forever. I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling him that I love him more than anything I have ever come to know. If I could I would trade it all just to be with him. I would take back all these wonderful opportunities to travel the world just so that we could recapture the love that slipped through my hands. I have felt the earth move through my hands everytime my heart opened up to his. And he opened up back to me. That has to be love.

I am so nervous at this point, because I have taken a big leap over a steep edge, overlooking an abyss of a cliff. And I don't know where I am going to land, but I hope that his heart finally breaks my fall.

Who made love so complicated? Why does love come with some pain sometimes? I know that "Temporary pain leads to permanent happiness," but when will this pain be over? It seems that it is becoming permanent and I don't want to lose hope.

And then I think, maybe I am just afraid to move on. To see what else is out there. Although I have definitely been around the world, and to be honest, I can't seem to find anyone as good as him for me. Maybe I am just being impatient? Maybe I just have to wait a little longer? I feel like this year has been an eternity and I am tired of waiting around.

So many love songs that profess die-hard passion is what I want to sing to him. It may be crazy, and it may be sad, but at least I am not cynical. I still believe in love. And I still believe in him--in us...
But the big question at this point is:

Does he?

I have taken a chance to believe. And maybe, waiting isn't so bad. But I pray with every fibre of my being, that I won't be here waiting another year. And yet, Love is definitely worth waiting for.