"Be a Man"

I know I haven't blogged in a while. It's interesting because I keep coming back to this blog--even though I still keep an actual diary--when I think something that I write can potentially help someone else. So here it is.

We have all heard the phrase, "Be a Man."
However, I have said this phrase a little too much to my boyfriend lately.
 And in a condescending and demeaning way.
And I realized I have been absolutely wrong.

When you hear the phrase, "be a man," what kind of expectations does that bring to mind?
Ideally, for me, it was something like this:
1.A man is someone who handles his emotions
2.A man is someone who is strong minded and doesn't break under pressure
3.A man is someone who goes after what he wants no matter what
4.A man is someone who gets what he wants no matter what

Those are just some ideas that come to mind--for me.

And what's the problem here?
Well, I was holding my WONDERFUL beloved boyfriend, soon to be fiancee, to these expectations.
And these expectations were given to me by the not-so-wonderful past men of my life:
an absent father
an disconnected and unaffectionate step-father
an abusive and porn-addicted ex-boyfriend
& other men who were only interested in using me

Those expectations I had on "being a man" were rooted, respectively, in:
1.Disconnect (not identifying nor sharing feelings)
2.False sense of perfection (not sharing feelings of fear or shortcomings/imperfections)
3.Selfishness (not taking other's feelings into consideration)
4.Lust (not respecting other's feelings and choices to accomplish self-gratification)

Now, with that said, what does it really truly mean to "Be a Man?"

I was having a constructive dialogue with my beloved, as we sat underneath some shelter from the rain, and I realized that although we weren't arguing--simply discussing matters that needed to be discussed and sorted through--I was shutting down. My heart was closing up and I didn't want to be present in that moment. I knew that was wrong and I decided to pray. I asked God, "Lord, What should I say right now?" I really wanted to just go inside and put my pajamas on for the night. But as I prayed, God responded. "Tell him, "I love you."" It was that simple but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to continue to be cold and ignore all the feelings that we were discussing and sorting through. I was quiet. My beloved turned to me with sweet eyes and asked what I was thinking. Reluctantly, I admitted, "I'm just praying."
Without hesitation, he responded, "Can I pray with you?"

His words had never been said to me by any man of my past. I was reassured of why God had placed this wonderful man in my life, especially at this time of my life. Reluctantly, again, I admitted that I knew what to say to help our conversation, but that I had been fighting it on purpose (saying "I love you")--that I was trying to suppress my emotion and keep it hidden in the dark corners of my heart. But, as I admitted that, out loud, my expectations of what it means to "be a man" were immediately shattered.

A real man is someone who never hesitates to speak with the person he loves. (Real connection)
A real man doesn't hesitate to admits his flaws and talk about them. (Real perfection--improvement)
A real man is someone who never hesitates to place the feelings of others first. (Real Selflessness)
A real man acknowledges and accepts the decision's and feeling's of others (Real respect)
And above all, a real man never shy's away from prayer nor Love, in all its imperfections (Real faith)

I had been expecting my WONDERFUL BELOVED MAN to be less of the man he was made to be.
And I will not be making that mistake again.
Good thing is, a real man also never backs down from sharing his heart with the woman he loves.
And I know this because my beloved loves me, without reservations.

I thank God for this good man.
I love you Timothy.
I am so grateful for you.
You are my favorite.

Music

I have been making a lot of music lately, which is just an extension of my writing.

Most of my songs have been about that same one person and I just don't understand why they take up so much space in my mind when we had already moved apart so long ago. . 

Regardless, beautiful songs are being made, and I have been very proud of my progress. I don't really know where I want my music to go from here, but all I do know, is that I hope that whoever hears my songs has the opportunity to relate and get something positive from my music. I just want to spread a little hope, sharing in the hope that the Lord gives me. It is tough at times because sometimes I position myself directly behind a cloud so that I can't see the sun, but The Son always finds a way to come back straight into view.

I have been up really late making music also, and late hours tend to be dark and lonely. Yet, there still manages to be hope of a bright and happy tomorrow. This I know because regardless of the pain or whatever emotions I am going through, God manages to find a way to just bring peace to me--always. 

That is what I want my music to do. 

I want to write songs that expose a frail human heart that clings to True Love, so that when others hear my heart, they understand that life doesn't end at the first break of day--there are more days, more songs, more breaths, more beats, more steps, more words to be LIVED. I am so excited to keep progressing with my guitar and my songwriting, but I know that regardless, Jesus is helping me on this road so I am more excited to see what my Good God has in store for me. I know that it is better than this moment, and I'm pretty content right now, so I can only imagine the beauty that lies ahead.