Thoughts

Ever wondered why things happen the way they do? Well, that is the story of my life, about 99% of the time. Even with faith in God, certain occurrences and situations really stump me. Like, why did one of my close friends lose their mom to cancer? She was still pretty young, and her leaving meant that not only did my friend lose his mother, but his dad lost his adored wife, and my mom lost her best friend. It was a low blow for all of us and ever since, things have definitely not been the same. My close friend and I aren't so close anymore, unfortunately, and no matter how I try to close the gap that has been widening over the years, he is still distant and won't acknowledge it. His father is happy, sure, with a new girlfriend, who is living with them, but you can see the sadness imprinted on his face. I don't know if it will ever really go away. And my own sweet mother, well, she has kept herself busier than ever, going through so many different jobs and coming out of it dissatisfied  every time.
I also wonder why the blessing of going abroad for a year really tested my character. I was in perhaps two of the most beautiful places in the world: Florence, Italy and Prague, Czech Republic. The former was a dream come true--a dream I did not even know was possible, but then, with so many blessings from the LORD, why did I even doubt! It came to pass: application after application, and with no personal cost for me or my family! Say Whaaaat? And since I could, I went abroad once more to the latter destination. I enjoyed myself in both locations, and I definitely learned a lot about myself and about the world surrounding me. But I had to reach my lowest low for some reason unbeknownst to my person. Read on.
Interestingly enough, leaving home to study abroad also placed more tension on a crumbling relationship I had with a man who I thought was going to be The One. Yes, The One—to marry, to love and to hold, for ever and ever, amen. But I now know that that very same relationship had been poisoning me for as long as I can remember. The distance was much needed breathing room, which slowly revealed the true nature of the man I thought was going to be The One. Yes, he turned out to be The One—to break my heart, to leave me hopeless and reckless, to drag me to the pits of Hell with suicidal thoughts and self-corruption (which manifested themselves in Prague while I was visiting Berlin alone). He was mainly the one who showed me that I had to value myself, alone. Because when I was alone in Prague, my mind went crazy, over and over, and I became someone I didn't know. I was different. The person I became scared me and the reason I was so scared was because I felt like I was losing myself to the destruction of the world of drugs. I won't say much more on the matter, because it is very frightening to speak about, but I can assure you, that if it wasn't for what Jesus did for me (and you) on The Cross, I wouldn't be here, alive, sharing my tale. It is as simple as that.
Read on?
With everything I have been through in my young life of only twenty years—not knowing my father and wondering about my origins, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my step-father, losing three sets of best friends to the frailties of youth, typical doubts and fears of self-worth due to past obesity, feeling true hopelessness and loss of sanity, a house fire at the age of five—how did I even make it this far? What else will I have to go through? That may be a little dramatic, but pain is relative. 
It also is all in the mind, speaking from a Psychological perspective. 
As I write this, the only justification for any of this, or any pain experienced by anyone in life, is that endurance produces character (Romans 5:4). Somewhere else in the bible (1 Peter 1:7), it is mentioned that when fires engulf our lives, they are only extant to refine our faith, in a sense, to bring forth the true gold that lies within our character. So the only constant in life is truth, let's say: something like the Sun. This is something that we can all agree on, regardless of religious/personal beliefs, or whether you are a child of the day or a creature of the night. 
The Sun always... is.
And I find that to be comforting. 

For Life

For all my life, I've only wanted one thing: True Love.
And this is not going to be sappy because I'm not talking about Prince Charming.
There are just so many different types of love out there: the love from another as a life partner, as a friend, as a best friend; love for yourself, for your family, for the world and strangers, for your work. Love, in other words, stands for so many other things: passion, compassion, commitment, determination, attachment, insistence, persistence, endurance, and most importantly, truth.
All my life, I have never known my beginnings. I have never met my biological father, and although I have been blessed by God with a loving step-father and I do have a great mother and the best, although craziest, little sister in the world, sometimes... I can't help but wonder how things would have been with my real father.
I have an understanding that things happen for a reason, and with that in mind, my mother tells me that my father was an atrocity of a man. And I believe her. The last image of my father was ripped away from my mother and I at my own doing. The memory is vivid in my mind: I was only four years old and my mother finally told me that the person I thought was my father was actually not. And with those confusing words uttered, she slipped from her dress pocket a small passport sized photo of my real father. His name is/was Frank and his last name was something like this: In-gen-jack. He's Polish and I don't know if that's spelled or hyphenated correctly. She showed me that picture, and I took it into my little hands, and I boldly tore it to pieces and threw the shreds away. I look at my mother's confused face and with compassion in my voice, I let her know that I loved her, and that we didn't need him. I hugged her, feeling her bosom rise softly as her cold tears fell on my golden hair.
That was the only picture we had of him. And now, because of me, it's gone. I do not regret my actions as a child, because, if you think about it, the innocence of a child--as I was in the moment--could not have been wrong. I knew, in that moment, that my mother was going to be all the parent I could ever want or need.
To this day, I still know nothing of that man that helped create me, and at moments, I would like to change that. But in moments like this, where I have a clear understanding of Love, especially the love of my family and of myself, I can say with confidence and with determination, that he means nothing to me. Just as I mean nothing to him.
But I want it to be clear: I am not complaining, because I know I have it good. I have been blessed more than words can even describe, and I know this is all because of the Hands of a more Perfect and Only Heavenly Father. And that is all the Parent anyone can really ever want or need. Someone to truly be there with you, through thick and thin, and will still love you whether you mess up or not.
Love, in all its imperfection, is what drives this world, what is at the core of all motivations and all dreams. And I know that one day, you and I will finally awake from our dreams and start living in the love that so graciously surrounds us all.