Hope

Somewhere over the rainbow, my prince charming is waiting at the end of it with a pot o' gold and a beautiful big diamond ring... But most importantly, he is there with his heart, waiting for me. Yep, somewhere out there.


Recently, the concept of a relationship has sprung up again into my mind and into my heart. And if you know me and what I have been going through, that is somewhat of a shock. But, I think the main reason why I am thinking about this a lot is because I was discerning a religious vocation (aka becoming a nun). It's been something that I have been praying about. However, another reason why I have been thinking about it a lot is because, I woke up one morning in a not-so-cheery mood, when my mother attacked me with the dreaded question: "When are you gonna get a boyfriend?! YA ES TIEMPO MI'JA!" All I could do, as I rubbed away some sleep from my eyes, was to sigh deeply. But inside, so many answers fluttered in a frenzy across my mind. I wanted to shout out "When I can find a decent man!" or "NEVER!! ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!!" 


But the truth is, I know it won't happen anytime soon because what needs to first happen is for me to properly be able to discern between the TRASH and the TREASURE. See, men (and women as well) can be quite mischievous and clever and with so many tricks up their sleeves, and all in the wrong respects. Growing up, I have had my fair share of horrible relationships. This one time, when I was fourteen and my ignorance allowed me to date an 18-year-old (shame on him/me), I thought I was falling in love. The guy I was dating was doing everything right: calling me everyday, telling me beautiful things and hopes for a happy future, and not only that, but he was buying me almost everything I never knew I wanted. From coach bags, to an entire ruby jewelry set collection, he was pampering me like no one has ever done. And that was nice and all, but I've always been a simple girl: my love don't cost a thing, and you definitely can't buy me with fancy gifts. On our one-month anniversary (lol --if you've ever been in a teenage romance, you know you had those too!), he took me to the fancy catering hall he was working at and had it set up like a movie! One table in the middle of a big room, with dim lights, candles, red roses, and a violinist! To make a sad tale short, he got me drunk without my consent and tried to take advantage of me, but because I never gave him what he wanted (sex), he broke up with me immediately the following morning. He did it over the phone and was so honest about it: "I just called to tell you that while we were dating, I was with my girlfriend the whole time. And I only wanted you to have sex. But since you are such a prude bitch, I don't need you anymore" I remember his words so clearly. I was so angry and upset and hurt and I felt so used and dumb, but I told him off and we never spoke again. At least I still had my dignity; He couldn't buy me no matter how hard he tried. 


I shared that little story because it is the most extreme case that I know of in regards to how far people will actually go just to get sex--without any concern about the damage they do to another person. Did he completely forget that I had a heart? Little do people come to realize that finding a person of HEART is a rare commodity this day and age. And that is why I refrain from being in a relationship right now. Not just because of that one jerk I dated a couple of years ago, but because I still see jerks like that (men AND women). There are so many people out there who only want the physical, who don't care about the wonderful gifts that come with LOVE, and who won't even put the time to pretend to want to be in a loving relationship. This society has turned so many hearts into cold lifeless machines, but mine is still beating hot and bright because of the love of Christ. And I am not ashamed to say it. I still believe in love because I believe that there IS something MORE for me, someone made FOR me and someone who will LOVE me like I was MADE to be loved. 


It is interesting because sometimes, it does get really lonely, of course it does! I am not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I wake up strong and happy to be single every single day. HECK NO! I want my man. But the difference is that I know I need to be patient. And it is also interesting because sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who still believes in true love anymore--who still wants to wait for true love. But here I am, waiting. And patience has never been my strongest trait. But prayer and hope really does wonders.

I was praying while I was walking my dog one night, giving thanks for having experienced another day, when I noticed a little light out of the corner of my eye. And then it disappeared. When I focused a tiny bit more, I noticed there were so many! They were all floating around a beautiful bush of light pink roses. Fireflies! One thing I love so much about summer nights are fireflies. They pop up when you least expect it, and they do so with such poise.  Fireflies are so special because they don't just intrude on the scenery, but rather, they seam to weave themselves seamlessly through the moments, glowing dimly, in and out of existence. They are magnificent representations of life--fleeting moments of brilliance, yet, so poignant. When I see them, living so easily, they truly spark my hope, much like how they give new light to the night. 


As my dog was watching them with me, I felt a peaceful hope. I know that I will live to see the day where my heart glows again, warm and fuzzy and happy. 

Thus Far

I take a look at my life thus far and if I had written this entry just a little bit earlier, I probably would have been morbid and bitter and shown to regret every turn I have taken. But standing here today, and writing this now, I feel wiser and firmer in my decisions than ever before, and I am proud to say that, although it may not have been in anyway how I saw it, I am slowly getting to the place where I need to be. And I have God to thank for getting me here safely.

Being away in Europe for an entire year, away from the people I love and the home that I now appreciate more than ever, I have learned many valuable life lessons; lessons that have grounded my faith, that have strengthened my sense of self, and that have showed me that the love I have with my family is one that I could never be without. But what's more is that I have learned the most important lesson of all: True Love is the only refuge.

When I say that True Love is the only refuge, the only safe-haven, the only thing that can guide us correctly... I am not talking strictly about any human love. No. It is more than that. It is spiritual. It is personal. It is outside of the realm. It is something that words cannot describe. It is that type of Love, that type of Belonging, that we ALL, at some point or another, are desperately seeking, reaching out for always, and are always hoping that an indefinite sense of security does really exist. And after everything I have been through, I can assure anyone, anywhere, anytime, that it does exist. And I received it as a gift. And we can all have this gift of unconditional, everlasting, protecting, True love. We just have to start at the source: looking within and reaching outwards, sharing it with those who need it most.

In my time of need, God surrounded me with angels, people who really care about me and who dropped everything just to make sure that I was okay. And in my time of need, I was shocked that such love and such compassion actually existed in this world. Since then, everything has changed for me.

And since then, although I know I am safe and loved and that I have nothing to fear, life still throws little worries and challenges at me. And I have to admit that if I were alone in all of this, I probably wouldn't be able to withstand the ferocity of these issues. But because of the love of God and the support of my family, I am slowly getting through it.

I have been through a major break-up, involving more than heartache, where the flesh was made a playground, both in pleasure and in pain. Emotional pain. But also physicial pain--bruises that are now faded, but the burden behind them is still as heavy as the cement holding the foundations of buildings. It has been almost two months that I have cried everyday, trying to deal with it. It has been almost two months that there was no contact between the two of us. It has been almost two months that I have been in intensive therapy, trying to cope with my sanity that has been tangled in the ropes of life. It was almost two months, and then out of nowhere, he has begun to reach out to me again, almost begging my return.

But after all the progress I have made, I do feel stronger, and I can actually stand here and say that I do not know if I even want him back. We have been through a lot, and he seems sincere in his words, but I wonder if his actions could ever match up to his claims? Could his actions actually change from before? Could he actually become the man that he claims he can be for me? I always aim to believe in people, but I am a little scared about this one. For now, I am taking a break, and leaving it all in the hands of God. I am unsure about my next step, but I am sure that I can not take a step backward. Whatever happens has to be something that moves me forward. And I am waiting to be guided by the hands of True Love.

Also, there is another distraction in the mix. I have met a co-worker at one of my two current jobs. He definitely is not anymore perfect for me than my ex, but he is definitely keeping me distracted. There is just something about him that is so unbelievable appealing, I can't even grasp it. Of course, life would have it that the downside of this possible new romance is that he is already involved with some other woman. And I should take that as a clear indication that he is off-limits and that I should not even think about him, but I do find myself thinking about this new man and I do not know how to stop it.

After all of this, I am just wondering where it will all go... Where will I end up? I wish I could speed up time, fast forward to the part where all my problems are trophies of the past, obstacles that I overcame, and that I could be happy with a family of my own. However, I know that I would not want to waste a single second of my time here on Earth, and that this one life to live is worth that one love, no matter how we get there or where we end up.

Believing vs. Waiting

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping,
I stay up and think of you..."

I'm a big Selena fan and I know so many of her songs, especially Dreaming of You. I can't feel more connected to this song than this moment right here. I have been dreaming of the love of my life, and I have waited for him what seems like almost a year. Sure, we've had rocky bumps this past year, but he should know "Como te necessito." I love this man with all my heart and it would only seem right that we end up together. Is it crazy? I don't know. I kind of think it might be. But that's what Love is, right? Crazy and unpredictable and consuming and worth it all. And I know, that someday, he will be worth it all. I am just waiting for him to forgive himself because, I think I have forgiven him. What he did against us doesn't even matter at this point because when it comes down to it, he's the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. No more lies. No more pain. No more games.

I want to be with him. And I am finally going to listen to my heart. I just hope with all my life that his heart feels exactly the same.. How could it not, right? We have been through so much and regardless of the downs, we always come back to the ups, and love just glows brighter than the last time. I don't want to keep going back and forth, wading in the confusion of a maybe. I don't want the maybe. I don't want the no. I want the yes.
I am not asking to marry him, I am not asking to be together forever. I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling him that I love him more than anything I have ever come to know. If I could I would trade it all just to be with him. I would take back all these wonderful opportunities to travel the world just so that we could recapture the love that slipped through my hands. I have felt the earth move through my hands everytime my heart opened up to his. And he opened up back to me. That has to be love.

I am so nervous at this point, because I have taken a big leap over a steep edge, overlooking an abyss of a cliff. And I don't know where I am going to land, but I hope that his heart finally breaks my fall.

Who made love so complicated? Why does love come with some pain sometimes? I know that "Temporary pain leads to permanent happiness," but when will this pain be over? It seems that it is becoming permanent and I don't want to lose hope.

And then I think, maybe I am just afraid to move on. To see what else is out there. Although I have definitely been around the world, and to be honest, I can't seem to find anyone as good as him for me. Maybe I am just being impatient? Maybe I just have to wait a little longer? I feel like this year has been an eternity and I am tired of waiting around.

So many love songs that profess die-hard passion is what I want to sing to him. It may be crazy, and it may be sad, but at least I am not cynical. I still believe in love. And I still believe in him--in us...
But the big question at this point is:

Does he?

I have taken a chance to believe. And maybe, waiting isn't so bad. But I pray with every fibre of my being, that I won't be here waiting another year. And yet, Love is definitely worth waiting for.