"Be a Man"

I know I haven't blogged in a while. It's interesting because I keep coming back to this blog--even though I still keep an actual diary--when I think something that I write can potentially help someone else. So here it is.

We have all heard the phrase, "Be a Man."
However, I have said this phrase a little too much to my boyfriend lately.
 And in a condescending and demeaning way.
And I realized I have been absolutely wrong.

When you hear the phrase, "be a man," what kind of expectations does that bring to mind?
Ideally, for me, it was something like this:
1.A man is someone who handles his emotions
2.A man is someone who is strong minded and doesn't break under pressure
3.A man is someone who goes after what he wants no matter what
4.A man is someone who gets what he wants no matter what

Those are just some ideas that come to mind--for me.

And what's the problem here?
Well, I was holding my WONDERFUL beloved boyfriend, soon to be fiancee, to these expectations.
And these expectations were given to me by the not-so-wonderful past men of my life:
an absent father
an disconnected and unaffectionate step-father
an abusive and porn-addicted ex-boyfriend
& other men who were only interested in using me

Those expectations I had on "being a man" were rooted, respectively, in:
1.Disconnect (not identifying nor sharing feelings)
2.False sense of perfection (not sharing feelings of fear or shortcomings/imperfections)
3.Selfishness (not taking other's feelings into consideration)
4.Lust (not respecting other's feelings and choices to accomplish self-gratification)

Now, with that said, what does it really truly mean to "Be a Man?"

I was having a constructive dialogue with my beloved, as we sat underneath some shelter from the rain, and I realized that although we weren't arguing--simply discussing matters that needed to be discussed and sorted through--I was shutting down. My heart was closing up and I didn't want to be present in that moment. I knew that was wrong and I decided to pray. I asked God, "Lord, What should I say right now?" I really wanted to just go inside and put my pajamas on for the night. But as I prayed, God responded. "Tell him, "I love you."" It was that simple but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to continue to be cold and ignore all the feelings that we were discussing and sorting through. I was quiet. My beloved turned to me with sweet eyes and asked what I was thinking. Reluctantly, I admitted, "I'm just praying."
Without hesitation, he responded, "Can I pray with you?"

His words had never been said to me by any man of my past. I was reassured of why God had placed this wonderful man in my life, especially at this time of my life. Reluctantly, again, I admitted that I knew what to say to help our conversation, but that I had been fighting it on purpose (saying "I love you")--that I was trying to suppress my emotion and keep it hidden in the dark corners of my heart. But, as I admitted that, out loud, my expectations of what it means to "be a man" were immediately shattered.

A real man is someone who never hesitates to speak with the person he loves. (Real connection)
A real man doesn't hesitate to admits his flaws and talk about them. (Real perfection--improvement)
A real man is someone who never hesitates to place the feelings of others first. (Real Selflessness)
A real man acknowledges and accepts the decision's and feeling's of others (Real respect)
And above all, a real man never shy's away from prayer nor Love, in all its imperfections (Real faith)

I had been expecting my WONDERFUL BELOVED MAN to be less of the man he was made to be.
And I will not be making that mistake again.
Good thing is, a real man also never backs down from sharing his heart with the woman he loves.
And I know this because my beloved loves me, without reservations.

I thank God for this good man.
I love you Timothy.
I am so grateful for you.
You are my favorite.

Music

I have been making a lot of music lately, which is just an extension of my writing.

Most of my songs have been about that same one person and I just don't understand why they take up so much space in my mind when we had already moved apart so long ago. . 

Regardless, beautiful songs are being made, and I have been very proud of my progress. I don't really know where I want my music to go from here, but all I do know, is that I hope that whoever hears my songs has the opportunity to relate and get something positive from my music. I just want to spread a little hope, sharing in the hope that the Lord gives me. It is tough at times because sometimes I position myself directly behind a cloud so that I can't see the sun, but The Son always finds a way to come back straight into view.

I have been up really late making music also, and late hours tend to be dark and lonely. Yet, there still manages to be hope of a bright and happy tomorrow. This I know because regardless of the pain or whatever emotions I am going through, God manages to find a way to just bring peace to me--always. 

That is what I want my music to do. 

I want to write songs that expose a frail human heart that clings to True Love, so that when others hear my heart, they understand that life doesn't end at the first break of day--there are more days, more songs, more breaths, more beats, more steps, more words to be LIVED. I am so excited to keep progressing with my guitar and my songwriting, but I know that regardless, Jesus is helping me on this road so I am more excited to see what my Good God has in store for me. I know that it is better than this moment, and I'm pretty content right now, so I can only imagine the beauty that lies ahead. 

Mercy Me

Hurting others only ends up hurting yourself in the end.

I have hurt a lot of people in my life, even people that I truly care about and love dearly.
And that is the greatest guilt on my heart, one that is so heavy and unbearable.

From friends in middle school to my ex boyfriend (who depending on my mood is either amazing or a disgusting lowlife trashy loser), and even my mother sometimes.
But the person I want to address here is my beloved sister. Although she is technically my half sister, because we have different fathers, she was born on my birthday for a reason and I call her my sister. God sent her here to me and I have loved her from the moment I saw her.

Only thing is, I didn't appreciate this gift as much as I should have, until now. And luckily, it still is not too late--she is still here with me and so every day is a new day to make it all up to her. To remind her that I love her so so much and that I AM HERE for her.

I literally cry at the thought of how bad of a sister I have been, to my sweet little angel who didn't deserve any of my ill-mannered actions against her. I was a very depressed and angry obese teenager, hormonal and paranoid and lonely. And for some reason, I would take out all my negative emotions on her, an innocent and once-happy child. I really think that most of the reason why she is so angry now, and so hard to get to open up and share her emotions, is because of me. And that really pains me. It is such a heavy guilt.

I was abusive to her. And I try to rack my brain for answers as to why, but I come up with nothing. As far as I can remember, there really was no reason why I did such things to her. I was really mean to people in middle school--I was a fat and mean bully. I was even abusive to my ex boyfriend, jealous and abusive and cynical. And that truly gets to me; hurts me that I was so hurtful to others who did not really deserve such unwarranted behavior. I think back now and cannot understand, cannot even fathom, why I would be so cruel, especially to a cute and loving child like my younger sister.

And my regret doesn't even end with that--I was also neglectful of her as I got older and as I became very much involved with my ex. I stopped spending time with my family and dedicated all of me to some man who isn't even with me anymore. I couldn't wait to leave my house to be with him because I felt that no one loved me or cared about me or really wanted to know anything about me--meanwhile, me leaving was showing just those same sentiments to my little sister. My mind and my thinking were so warped; I had convinced myself that being with my ex boyfriend was better than being with my one and only family. And now, I am suffering the consequences of those decisions.

It just hurts me so much, sooo much, to have to accept that I am a big root to all of my sister's emotional pain. I love her sooo much and I can't fathom why or how I became that way. If I could, I definitely would go back in time and change SO many things in my life. And people always wanna bs their way and say "I don't regret anything" but we all know that there are certain things you do regret; and that it is normal.

All I can say is that I am so thankful to have realized all of this BEFORE it was too late--while I still have the chance to make up for my mistakes and my past. To really let my family know that I love them, and that I am willing to take all the blames and hurt because I would do anything for them to show them I love them; to show my little sister that I would, without a doubt in an instant! give up my life for hers, give up everything I have (save my faith) to give her everything she could ever need to be happy. I love her so much, it is ridiculous how much my heart aches knowing that her heart aches at any moment, if for but a moment.

I pray for forgiveness, wholly. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"--This is a huge and demanding request and requirement of our salvation, and it is one that only can be accomplished through God's Good Grace. I pray that I forgive how much others have hurt me, because I know that deep in my heart, I still have yet to forgiven many many people, both recent and of a more distant past. I pray that they may forgive me, because I know that although they have hurt me, I probably have hurt more people than I can imagine, and I regret all of that--I am not that way at all now, in no way shape or form could I hurt someone I love. But more than that, I need God's Grace to forgive myself--right now, I am really struggling with the fact that my past was so bleak and abusive, that I cry only thinking about it. I cry because I can feel their pain in my own heart, and I cry more because that pain was done by own hands, ushered from my own being. How do you forgive a monster when that monster is you?

Lord, may You please have mercy on my soul for I have walked a very sinful road. And as I continue to walk this road, more ugly things from my past are popping up; God is showing me all the wrong I have done, but what is beautiful even in that, is that His Love will always make everything new. And I am being made new, and I am working with Him to get through all of this. My family and I are growing together, and healing together, and I just pray that Mercy rains on me and in our hearts. I can't do this on my own.

Hope

Somewhere over the rainbow, my prince charming is waiting at the end of it with a pot o' gold and a beautiful big diamond ring... But most importantly, he is there with his heart, waiting for me. Yep, somewhere out there.


Recently, the concept of a relationship has sprung up again into my mind and into my heart. And if you know me and what I have been going through, that is somewhat of a shock. But, I think the main reason why I am thinking about this a lot is because I was discerning a religious vocation (aka becoming a nun). It's been something that I have been praying about. However, another reason why I have been thinking about it a lot is because, I woke up one morning in a not-so-cheery mood, when my mother attacked me with the dreaded question: "When are you gonna get a boyfriend?! YA ES TIEMPO MI'JA!" All I could do, as I rubbed away some sleep from my eyes, was to sigh deeply. But inside, so many answers fluttered in a frenzy across my mind. I wanted to shout out "When I can find a decent man!" or "NEVER!! ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!!" 


But the truth is, I know it won't happen anytime soon because what needs to first happen is for me to properly be able to discern between the TRASH and the TREASURE. See, men (and women as well) can be quite mischievous and clever and with so many tricks up their sleeves, and all in the wrong respects. Growing up, I have had my fair share of horrible relationships. This one time, when I was fourteen and my ignorance allowed me to date an 18-year-old (shame on him/me), I thought I was falling in love. The guy I was dating was doing everything right: calling me everyday, telling me beautiful things and hopes for a happy future, and not only that, but he was buying me almost everything I never knew I wanted. From coach bags, to an entire ruby jewelry set collection, he was pampering me like no one has ever done. And that was nice and all, but I've always been a simple girl: my love don't cost a thing, and you definitely can't buy me with fancy gifts. On our one-month anniversary (lol --if you've ever been in a teenage romance, you know you had those too!), he took me to the fancy catering hall he was working at and had it set up like a movie! One table in the middle of a big room, with dim lights, candles, red roses, and a violinist! To make a sad tale short, he got me drunk without my consent and tried to take advantage of me, but because I never gave him what he wanted (sex), he broke up with me immediately the following morning. He did it over the phone and was so honest about it: "I just called to tell you that while we were dating, I was with my girlfriend the whole time. And I only wanted you to have sex. But since you are such a prude bitch, I don't need you anymore" I remember his words so clearly. I was so angry and upset and hurt and I felt so used and dumb, but I told him off and we never spoke again. At least I still had my dignity; He couldn't buy me no matter how hard he tried. 


I shared that little story because it is the most extreme case that I know of in regards to how far people will actually go just to get sex--without any concern about the damage they do to another person. Did he completely forget that I had a heart? Little do people come to realize that finding a person of HEART is a rare commodity this day and age. And that is why I refrain from being in a relationship right now. Not just because of that one jerk I dated a couple of years ago, but because I still see jerks like that (men AND women). There are so many people out there who only want the physical, who don't care about the wonderful gifts that come with LOVE, and who won't even put the time to pretend to want to be in a loving relationship. This society has turned so many hearts into cold lifeless machines, but mine is still beating hot and bright because of the love of Christ. And I am not ashamed to say it. I still believe in love because I believe that there IS something MORE for me, someone made FOR me and someone who will LOVE me like I was MADE to be loved. 


It is interesting because sometimes, it does get really lonely, of course it does! I am not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I wake up strong and happy to be single every single day. HECK NO! I want my man. But the difference is that I know I need to be patient. And it is also interesting because sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who still believes in true love anymore--who still wants to wait for true love. But here I am, waiting. And patience has never been my strongest trait. But prayer and hope really does wonders.

I was praying while I was walking my dog one night, giving thanks for having experienced another day, when I noticed a little light out of the corner of my eye. And then it disappeared. When I focused a tiny bit more, I noticed there were so many! They were all floating around a beautiful bush of light pink roses. Fireflies! One thing I love so much about summer nights are fireflies. They pop up when you least expect it, and they do so with such poise.  Fireflies are so special because they don't just intrude on the scenery, but rather, they seam to weave themselves seamlessly through the moments, glowing dimly, in and out of existence. They are magnificent representations of life--fleeting moments of brilliance, yet, so poignant. When I see them, living so easily, they truly spark my hope, much like how they give new light to the night. 


As my dog was watching them with me, I felt a peaceful hope. I know that I will live to see the day where my heart glows again, warm and fuzzy and happy. 

Forgiving at 21

Life is so unexpected and overwhelming and messy sometimes that I truly cannot grasp the immensity of it all. Just take a look at the sky and you will know what I mean. 
I recently turned 21, and that is a milestone for most. Most (Americans) turn to binge drinking and other seemingly reckless activities on that big day--I believe a huge reason for this is because their lives still harbor a lot of hurt, and the nature of alcohol is easy to numbing pain. But for anyone who has drank excessively before, they know that too much drinking quickly leads to too much guilt and shameful reflection, and the night usually doesn't end well, whether it is throwing up, bashing on others, being violent, and/or just being sad and depressed. Alcohol is a depressant after all... So what usually begins as a great prospect for a fun night out ends up being a pathetic display of human weakness. While, in the past, I was in that lifestyle, luckily for me, I have become aware that excessive drinking and partying are still empty and lonely experiences, no matter how you try to look at it. And for anyone who knows me, I still love to party and dance, but now I do so moderately and in an environment filled with the love of my family and the friends that I can really confide in.
I turned 21 this past Tuesday, and lately, I have been very reflective. I also have come to face with some tough questions. However, I know that through it all, faith is the only thing that keeps me centered. 

In the personal struggle to forgive those who have really hurt me in the past, whether it be my family, friends, or my ex, I have come to a fantastic understanding. As a believer in the Kingdom of God, I understand that all children of God have a purpose in life--something they are meant to do to help further God's Kingdom and His Love. And that means ALL of His children, absolutely every single one. Even those who have hurt me. Their hurt to me, whether intentional or not, is in no way big enough or important enough or strong enough to stop the advancement of the Holy Kingdom. God's Love will inevitably shine through, and His Victory is for ALL of us--the good, the bad, and the ugly of us. 
With this understanding in mind, I immediately recognize, that forgiveness is that much more important. To forgive those who have hurt me, means that in my own heart, I am taking an active role in advancing the Kingdom. Not only that, but through forgiveness, love shines through and God is always at work--so how can I ever attempt to stop God's work in me? I can't. I simply can't. And it is comforting because I know that the God that works in me, in YOU, is just so loving and merciful and always wishes the best for us. 
That is why we need to forgive and wish the best for those who have hurt us. This is why I am capable of forgiving those who have hurt me, and this is why I sincerely and honestly wish my ex, and the other people from my painful past, the best in life--love, happiness, and success. That is not to say that I have forgiven every one one-hundred-percent of their actions against me. This is simply to say that with this knowledge about forgiveness, the actual task of forgiving someone becomes reasonable and desirable. We should forgive and truly want success for all, whether they hurt us or not, because through that hurt and other actions, their lives have a greater purpose at work. 
I am still in the throes of human confinement--where my heart remembers the pain although I am trying to forgive and move on. But I know, that because my heart is in the redemptive love of Christ, I will soon be able to forgive--and forgive them all: my abusive first love,  my absent biological father, the mocking friends from my past, but most importantly, the hypocritical person that I am myself. . . 


To understand that every human has a purpose for a greater mission in Life is a beautiful gift that naturally is followed by forgiveness and love. 

I choose Life

I am utterly speechless at the immensity and overwhelming power of God's grace, mercy, and most importantly, love. There are so many things that have been speaking out to me, things that I have been saying all the time to my kids that I work with, and to friends of mine. But because of recent revelations, they ring truer than ever before.

"When it comes to love, fear has no place: only faith."
"The deeper the foundation, the taller you can grow."
"Family and God are the best loves you never knew you always had."

And these are just some of them, but the list and the words really could go on for infinity (much like God's kingdom). The purpose of this blog entry is to reveal that I have been given a clear and meaningful purpose, one that I could not ignore even if I wanted to, because the will of God is just more important and more powerful than anything of this world. And here is what has been happening to me...

Yesterday, as I was deeply sleeping, my cell phone rang and it was my cousin in despair, calling that she needed my help. And I could have chosen to keep sleeping because it was very early in the morning, but I chose to help her and let her come upstairs. She is going through a rough circumstance, almost similar to an extent to what I have been going through, and she was in dire need of moral support. Seeing how I kind of went through what she went through, I sought my Bible and asked God to tell me something that we both needed to hear. "Please," I prayed from my heart. And my eyes were guided to immediately fall on Isaiah 21:6-7. This could not have come at a better time, and once we started speaking about God, our whole conversation just kind of SNOWBALLED into an amazing idea. . . And just like that, BAM, our idea for H.O.M.E was born. H.O.M.E is going to be a place where families are fostered for orphans and kids who never really had that love or family. H.O.M.E is going to be everything and more, and it will have God at its center, as its stronghold. My cousin and I spent the rest of the day talking more about it, planning things out, thinking about potential investors (although it will ultimately be a non-profit organization), and even building layout designs. It is all a matter of time, but with all the research we have already done, I am in complete awe at the will power of God, and how much GOOD you can do before noon on a weekday morning. It is unbelievable. It is beautiful.

And the glory of God doesn't stop there. I went to work at 3 pm that same day, feeling in need of rest as I work around 70 hours a week, working at least 6 hours everyday. But upon arriving home at 3 am, and falling asleep, I was soon awakened at 5 am... And I was awakened, indefinitely. I was awakened by the light of God, a light so bright, that it was glorious and beautiful and effervescent, and glowing, and it shook me to my core, and then when I thought things couldn't get more beautiful, I realized right then and there that all throughout this thing called life, we have the choice to choose life or death. And with Jesus, we have the option of life forever available to us. And I reached for life, once more, and then, miraculously, I heard God speak to me. And one of the first things he told me clearly was that He was coming soon and that I could not go another day without sharing the gospel with my dad. My dad, who technically is my step-father, is a great, sweet, honest, hard working man, but he is a Muslim. And as a Christian-Catholic who just heard God telling her to talk to her dad, I could not refuse this heavenly duty placed upon me. And what's more is that God revealed something to me: that although I (or we as a human race) have the will and the want and the urge to go help others, to do His work in faraway lands, we first have to start in our own homes. What good is all that love of helping if in our own hearts, in our own homes, and/or in our own families, there is much to do for God's kingdom? As a people who follow Christ, and as a family of God, we have been Set Apart (Leviticus 22:24) to do something about it. To Act and To Be in faith, because when it comes to true love, fear has no place: only faith. And although I am completely overwhelmed and taken aback by the fact that God would test me over and over to see if I was ready for this message from him, I have heard it loud and clear, and I am sharing it with those I love... especially starting from the inside of my family and their hearts.

May God Bless You, because once Your life is in His hands, you will be shown a life of abundant blessings far more greater than anything you could have ever dreamed or imagined. I always loved kids and wanted my own, and now, with God's blessing and guidance and support, I may have way more coming than I ever expected. And it is Good, so Good.

Thus Far

I take a look at my life thus far and if I had written this entry just a little bit earlier, I probably would have been morbid and bitter and shown to regret every turn I have taken. But standing here today, and writing this now, I feel wiser and firmer in my decisions than ever before, and I am proud to say that, although it may not have been in anyway how I saw it, I am slowly getting to the place where I need to be. And I have God to thank for getting me here safely.

Being away in Europe for an entire year, away from the people I love and the home that I now appreciate more than ever, I have learned many valuable life lessons; lessons that have grounded my faith, that have strengthened my sense of self, and that have showed me that the love I have with my family is one that I could never be without. But what's more is that I have learned the most important lesson of all: True Love is the only refuge.

When I say that True Love is the only refuge, the only safe-haven, the only thing that can guide us correctly... I am not talking strictly about any human love. No. It is more than that. It is spiritual. It is personal. It is outside of the realm. It is something that words cannot describe. It is that type of Love, that type of Belonging, that we ALL, at some point or another, are desperately seeking, reaching out for always, and are always hoping that an indefinite sense of security does really exist. And after everything I have been through, I can assure anyone, anywhere, anytime, that it does exist. And I received it as a gift. And we can all have this gift of unconditional, everlasting, protecting, True love. We just have to start at the source: looking within and reaching outwards, sharing it with those who need it most.

In my time of need, God surrounded me with angels, people who really care about me and who dropped everything just to make sure that I was okay. And in my time of need, I was shocked that such love and such compassion actually existed in this world. Since then, everything has changed for me.

And since then, although I know I am safe and loved and that I have nothing to fear, life still throws little worries and challenges at me. And I have to admit that if I were alone in all of this, I probably wouldn't be able to withstand the ferocity of these issues. But because of the love of God and the support of my family, I am slowly getting through it.

I have been through a major break-up, involving more than heartache, where the flesh was made a playground, both in pleasure and in pain. Emotional pain. But also physicial pain--bruises that are now faded, but the burden behind them is still as heavy as the cement holding the foundations of buildings. It has been almost two months that I have cried everyday, trying to deal with it. It has been almost two months that there was no contact between the two of us. It has been almost two months that I have been in intensive therapy, trying to cope with my sanity that has been tangled in the ropes of life. It was almost two months, and then out of nowhere, he has begun to reach out to me again, almost begging my return.

But after all the progress I have made, I do feel stronger, and I can actually stand here and say that I do not know if I even want him back. We have been through a lot, and he seems sincere in his words, but I wonder if his actions could ever match up to his claims? Could his actions actually change from before? Could he actually become the man that he claims he can be for me? I always aim to believe in people, but I am a little scared about this one. For now, I am taking a break, and leaving it all in the hands of God. I am unsure about my next step, but I am sure that I can not take a step backward. Whatever happens has to be something that moves me forward. And I am waiting to be guided by the hands of True Love.

Also, there is another distraction in the mix. I have met a co-worker at one of my two current jobs. He definitely is not anymore perfect for me than my ex, but he is definitely keeping me distracted. There is just something about him that is so unbelievable appealing, I can't even grasp it. Of course, life would have it that the downside of this possible new romance is that he is already involved with some other woman. And I should take that as a clear indication that he is off-limits and that I should not even think about him, but I do find myself thinking about this new man and I do not know how to stop it.

After all of this, I am just wondering where it will all go... Where will I end up? I wish I could speed up time, fast forward to the part where all my problems are trophies of the past, obstacles that I overcame, and that I could be happy with a family of my own. However, I know that I would not want to waste a single second of my time here on Earth, and that this one life to live is worth that one love, no matter how we get there or where we end up.

Believing vs. Waiting

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping,
I stay up and think of you..."

I'm a big Selena fan and I know so many of her songs, especially Dreaming of You. I can't feel more connected to this song than this moment right here. I have been dreaming of the love of my life, and I have waited for him what seems like almost a year. Sure, we've had rocky bumps this past year, but he should know "Como te necessito." I love this man with all my heart and it would only seem right that we end up together. Is it crazy? I don't know. I kind of think it might be. But that's what Love is, right? Crazy and unpredictable and consuming and worth it all. And I know, that someday, he will be worth it all. I am just waiting for him to forgive himself because, I think I have forgiven him. What he did against us doesn't even matter at this point because when it comes down to it, he's the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. No more lies. No more pain. No more games.

I want to be with him. And I am finally going to listen to my heart. I just hope with all my life that his heart feels exactly the same.. How could it not, right? We have been through so much and regardless of the downs, we always come back to the ups, and love just glows brighter than the last time. I don't want to keep going back and forth, wading in the confusion of a maybe. I don't want the maybe. I don't want the no. I want the yes.
I am not asking to marry him, I am not asking to be together forever. I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling him that I love him more than anything I have ever come to know. If I could I would trade it all just to be with him. I would take back all these wonderful opportunities to travel the world just so that we could recapture the love that slipped through my hands. I have felt the earth move through my hands everytime my heart opened up to his. And he opened up back to me. That has to be love.

I am so nervous at this point, because I have taken a big leap over a steep edge, overlooking an abyss of a cliff. And I don't know where I am going to land, but I hope that his heart finally breaks my fall.

Who made love so complicated? Why does love come with some pain sometimes? I know that "Temporary pain leads to permanent happiness," but when will this pain be over? It seems that it is becoming permanent and I don't want to lose hope.

And then I think, maybe I am just afraid to move on. To see what else is out there. Although I have definitely been around the world, and to be honest, I can't seem to find anyone as good as him for me. Maybe I am just being impatient? Maybe I just have to wait a little longer? I feel like this year has been an eternity and I am tired of waiting around.

So many love songs that profess die-hard passion is what I want to sing to him. It may be crazy, and it may be sad, but at least I am not cynical. I still believe in love. And I still believe in him--in us...
But the big question at this point is:

Does he?

I have taken a chance to believe. And maybe, waiting isn't so bad. But I pray with every fibre of my being, that I won't be here waiting another year. And yet, Love is definitely worth waiting for.

For Life

For all my life, I've only wanted one thing: True Love.
And this is not going to be sappy because I'm not talking about Prince Charming.
There are just so many different types of love out there: the love from another as a life partner, as a friend, as a best friend; love for yourself, for your family, for the world and strangers, for your work. Love, in other words, stands for so many other things: passion, compassion, commitment, determination, attachment, insistence, persistence, endurance, and most importantly, truth.
All my life, I have never known my beginnings. I have never met my biological father, and although I have been blessed by God with a loving step-father and I do have a great mother and the best, although craziest, little sister in the world, sometimes... I can't help but wonder how things would have been with my real father.
I have an understanding that things happen for a reason, and with that in mind, my mother tells me that my father was an atrocity of a man. And I believe her. The last image of my father was ripped away from my mother and I at my own doing. The memory is vivid in my mind: I was only four years old and my mother finally told me that the person I thought was my father was actually not. And with those confusing words uttered, she slipped from her dress pocket a small passport sized photo of my real father. His name is/was Frank and his last name was something like this: In-gen-jack. He's Polish and I don't know if that's spelled or hyphenated correctly. She showed me that picture, and I took it into my little hands, and I boldly tore it to pieces and threw the shreds away. I look at my mother's confused face and with compassion in my voice, I let her know that I loved her, and that we didn't need him. I hugged her, feeling her bosom rise softly as her cold tears fell on my golden hair.
That was the only picture we had of him. And now, because of me, it's gone. I do not regret my actions as a child, because, if you think about it, the innocence of a child--as I was in the moment--could not have been wrong. I knew, in that moment, that my mother was going to be all the parent I could ever want or need.
To this day, I still know nothing of that man that helped create me, and at moments, I would like to change that. But in moments like this, where I have a clear understanding of Love, especially the love of my family and of myself, I can say with confidence and with determination, that he means nothing to me. Just as I mean nothing to him.
But I want it to be clear: I am not complaining, because I know I have it good. I have been blessed more than words can even describe, and I know this is all because of the Hands of a more Perfect and Only Heavenly Father. And that is all the Parent anyone can really ever want or need. Someone to truly be there with you, through thick and thin, and will still love you whether you mess up or not.
Love, in all its imperfection, is what drives this world, what is at the core of all motivations and all dreams. And I know that one day, you and I will finally awake from our dreams and start living in the love that so graciously surrounds us all.