"Be a Man"

I know I haven't blogged in a while. It's interesting because I keep coming back to this blog--even though I still keep an actual diary--when I think something that I write can potentially help someone else. So here it is.

We have all heard the phrase, "Be a Man."
However, I have said this phrase a little too much to my boyfriend lately.
 And in a condescending and demeaning way.
And I realized I have been absolutely wrong.

When you hear the phrase, "be a man," what kind of expectations does that bring to mind?
Ideally, for me, it was something like this:
1.A man is someone who handles his emotions
2.A man is someone who is strong minded and doesn't break under pressure
3.A man is someone who goes after what he wants no matter what
4.A man is someone who gets what he wants no matter what

Those are just some ideas that come to mind--for me.

And what's the problem here?
Well, I was holding my WONDERFUL beloved boyfriend, soon to be fiancee, to these expectations.
And these expectations were given to me by the not-so-wonderful past men of my life:
an absent father
an disconnected and unaffectionate step-father
an abusive and porn-addicted ex-boyfriend
& other men who were only interested in using me

Those expectations I had on "being a man" were rooted, respectively, in:
1.Disconnect (not identifying nor sharing feelings)
2.False sense of perfection (not sharing feelings of fear or shortcomings/imperfections)
3.Selfishness (not taking other's feelings into consideration)
4.Lust (not respecting other's feelings and choices to accomplish self-gratification)

Now, with that said, what does it really truly mean to "Be a Man?"

I was having a constructive dialogue with my beloved, as we sat underneath some shelter from the rain, and I realized that although we weren't arguing--simply discussing matters that needed to be discussed and sorted through--I was shutting down. My heart was closing up and I didn't want to be present in that moment. I knew that was wrong and I decided to pray. I asked God, "Lord, What should I say right now?" I really wanted to just go inside and put my pajamas on for the night. But as I prayed, God responded. "Tell him, "I love you."" It was that simple but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to continue to be cold and ignore all the feelings that we were discussing and sorting through. I was quiet. My beloved turned to me with sweet eyes and asked what I was thinking. Reluctantly, I admitted, "I'm just praying."
Without hesitation, he responded, "Can I pray with you?"

His words had never been said to me by any man of my past. I was reassured of why God had placed this wonderful man in my life, especially at this time of my life. Reluctantly, again, I admitted that I knew what to say to help our conversation, but that I had been fighting it on purpose (saying "I love you")--that I was trying to suppress my emotion and keep it hidden in the dark corners of my heart. But, as I admitted that, out loud, my expectations of what it means to "be a man" were immediately shattered.

A real man is someone who never hesitates to speak with the person he loves. (Real connection)
A real man doesn't hesitate to admits his flaws and talk about them. (Real perfection--improvement)
A real man is someone who never hesitates to place the feelings of others first. (Real Selflessness)
A real man acknowledges and accepts the decision's and feeling's of others (Real respect)
And above all, a real man never shy's away from prayer nor Love, in all its imperfections (Real faith)

I had been expecting my WONDERFUL BELOVED MAN to be less of the man he was made to be.
And I will not be making that mistake again.
Good thing is, a real man also never backs down from sharing his heart with the woman he loves.
And I know this because my beloved loves me, without reservations.

I thank God for this good man.
I love you Timothy.
I am so grateful for you.
You are my favorite.

Family Matters

"if God always rescued those who were true to Him, christians would not need faith. their religion would be a great insurance policy and there would be lines of selfish people ready to sign up... the cross is proof God doesnt always bring us out of our pain but that He always has a greater plan in mind at the end. He loves u, hang tight to Him even when its hard i promise it will be worth it ♥ -31 status" .... TRUER WORDS could not have been spoken to me right now. Everything happens for a reason and tonight is SURELY a testament of God's immense Love and unimaginable plans... that are always better than I can imagine. the pain that we feel prepares us for the battle but we know that God is our STRENGTH.


Lately, I thought that I was losing my personal closeness to God. In the sense, that I haven't been FEELING Him like I used to--back when my heart was truly broken and so desperate for Him. I used to HEAR God speaking in my life. I used to SEE God showing me amazing things. And I was so blessed and grateful for it. But lately, I have felt cut out from that connection--maybe my access to God was over? These can be scary thoughts because these are those moments that we have that when we pray, we may sometimes feel like no one is listening. Am I just talking to myself?? And maybe, you feel that way now.. that you try to pray, you really do, but maybe God just really isn't listening to you...


Even through these times, I kept praying, but that feeling of disconnect was looming more each day and I didn't feel as eager to pray, or as open to the thought of prayer. I used to go about most of my days with thanksgiving and conversations to God. But, the distractions of school and friendships and past pain kept growing more and more and I briefly stopped acknowledging God in the complete way that He so only deserves. And this led me to feel, alone, .. again. And it is not a good feeling, I know. 


And I didn't want to stay in this feeling of loneliness, the emptiness of my prayers--blank requests to a paper deity. I knew that God was still there, but I wondered, why don't I feel You anymore?  They say that Mother Teresa was a woman who experienced just this; this "Dark Night of the Soul," although hers was probably more intense than mine. I never stopped praying though. And I think that made all the difference.


I still craved of the Goodness of the Lord, I still wanted more of Him, I just felt I was losing that relationship. For a brief moment. And so, I was very much looking forward to going to my Catholic Youth Group--to surround myself with a supportive community that understands and more importantly, actively seeks God as a community. These teenagers really inspire me because they have willingly chosen the love of the Lord, because they see that His Love is greater and more faithful than any lust of this world. I love going to this group for so many reasons, but mainly because I go there knowing that I am not alone in my struggles--that as a family in Christ, we have been brought together for a reason. 


And I definitely believe that things happen for a reason. 

Every third Friday of the month, we have started a tradition of going out as a group--to do something fun as friends. I was very much looking forward to this, because ever since my semester finished, the pain of my past has been knocking on my heart, trying to bring me down. So I needed the joy of the present that is present in these youth to remind me that I will be okay, after it all. 

I was looking forward to it. But I thought I had lost my wallet and so this whole fiasco led to stress and wrong accusations on my part of theft, but mostly, this loss of my wallet led my parents to forbid me to stay out and thus, led me to head back home. I wasn't able to stay out and have fun! AND I AM TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD! And it wasn't even past eleven pm :( My younger sister was also upset, so there was that added disappointment on my shoulders. 

I thought I just needed a night out with good people and good conversation. But God had something bigger for me that night and I didn't know it until after it all. Which is why I am writing this: I want to remember this night forever. 

I entered my home, ready for battle--ready to argue with my close-minded father and ready to explode because of all the stress and pain I've been feeling lately. And it started out UGLY. But ended with GLORY. I'd like to think this is how God sees us with the sin in our lives. 

I walked straight to my parents bedroom and began going off, angry at the injustice among other things. In the past, my step-father has compared me to prostitutes of the night, to the crazy clubbers and druggies, and all because I hang out at night. (reality: I don't dress skimpy. I don't like clubs nor drugs nor actions of any prostitute; my father apologized for the quick judgments--but I do understand him, I can't blame him if that is what the media is portraying the youth of today.) My step-father also started out by attacking my faith, that I was becoming "too Christian," loving God "too much," and as a Muslim, he was getting sick of it. And he didn't want my sister to get sucked into it like I had let myself. This led to tears and harsh words, but with a quick and sincere prayer to God, I started understanding where all this was coming from: my parents have been contemplating getting separated.

And I had no idea until tonight. 

And it broke my heart. 

I cried when I realized this. My biological father left before he even met me. Will my dad leave now, too? I was breaking inside as I heard my parents tell me their pain. Their marriage has never been the most romantic or affectionate, due to my dad's strict Muslim upbringing and culture mainly, but also to my mother's laziness and lack of understanding. But I never imagined that they felt they were falling out of love, that perhaps my family would get broken up and I would join the ranks of Americans whose families failed and where the sacrament of marriage was undermined. Never say never, right? 

But, I also realized that God has a reason for my very existence, that I am meant to be so much more--truly a Light in this dark world during these dark times. I had wanted to be bowling with my friends, carefree and in a sense, care-less. My family needed me tonight, they needed me there to care--because they were on the verge of not caring anymore, of giving up on us as a family. I'm not saying they were going to get a divorce right then and there, but their hearts were breaking and they needed healing.

It's interesting because although I am their daughter, most of my life in this family has had me as the adult--I have always had to solve conflicts, be the mediator and mentor, help out with finances, etc. And that is a burden most kids don't have. They get to be kids, and get to ask of their parents. But with me, my parents have always been asking of me; they have needed me to be the adult and shed clear light on their troubles and situations. It's scary sometimes because I feel that I can barely handle my own struggles, so to add my parent's pain on top of that, and my sister's as well, ... well, my heart gets crushed sometimes. But God's heart is here. And all I know, is that He provides. He loves better than our hearts are able to. So crushed or not, God used me tonight to heal some hearts. 

And that is a sublime and divine privilege. 

It is easy to give up; to not care, to not love, to be selfish and have fun; to forget that there, in fact, are other hearts out there that just need to hear "I Love You" before it's too late. But we are not called to an easy life. 

My parents began the night in tears and hurt, but thanks to the miracles of God's plans, they ended the night in smiles and tickles--rejuvenated love. 

I don't know the future, but I know that God does. And I know that God does and works all things for Good... Even when I doubt it sometimes. What's so great is that God doesn't DOUBT like me though. God DOES. and just IS. And God is Love, after it all ... <3 

Forgiving at 21

Life is so unexpected and overwhelming and messy sometimes that I truly cannot grasp the immensity of it all. Just take a look at the sky and you will know what I mean. 
I recently turned 21, and that is a milestone for most. Most (Americans) turn to binge drinking and other seemingly reckless activities on that big day--I believe a huge reason for this is because their lives still harbor a lot of hurt, and the nature of alcohol is easy to numbing pain. But for anyone who has drank excessively before, they know that too much drinking quickly leads to too much guilt and shameful reflection, and the night usually doesn't end well, whether it is throwing up, bashing on others, being violent, and/or just being sad and depressed. Alcohol is a depressant after all... So what usually begins as a great prospect for a fun night out ends up being a pathetic display of human weakness. While, in the past, I was in that lifestyle, luckily for me, I have become aware that excessive drinking and partying are still empty and lonely experiences, no matter how you try to look at it. And for anyone who knows me, I still love to party and dance, but now I do so moderately and in an environment filled with the love of my family and the friends that I can really confide in.
I turned 21 this past Tuesday, and lately, I have been very reflective. I also have come to face with some tough questions. However, I know that through it all, faith is the only thing that keeps me centered. 

In the personal struggle to forgive those who have really hurt me in the past, whether it be my family, friends, or my ex, I have come to a fantastic understanding. As a believer in the Kingdom of God, I understand that all children of God have a purpose in life--something they are meant to do to help further God's Kingdom and His Love. And that means ALL of His children, absolutely every single one. Even those who have hurt me. Their hurt to me, whether intentional or not, is in no way big enough or important enough or strong enough to stop the advancement of the Holy Kingdom. God's Love will inevitably shine through, and His Victory is for ALL of us--the good, the bad, and the ugly of us. 
With this understanding in mind, I immediately recognize, that forgiveness is that much more important. To forgive those who have hurt me, means that in my own heart, I am taking an active role in advancing the Kingdom. Not only that, but through forgiveness, love shines through and God is always at work--so how can I ever attempt to stop God's work in me? I can't. I simply can't. And it is comforting because I know that the God that works in me, in YOU, is just so loving and merciful and always wishes the best for us. 
That is why we need to forgive and wish the best for those who have hurt us. This is why I am capable of forgiving those who have hurt me, and this is why I sincerely and honestly wish my ex, and the other people from my painful past, the best in life--love, happiness, and success. That is not to say that I have forgiven every one one-hundred-percent of their actions against me. This is simply to say that with this knowledge about forgiveness, the actual task of forgiving someone becomes reasonable and desirable. We should forgive and truly want success for all, whether they hurt us or not, because through that hurt and other actions, their lives have a greater purpose at work. 
I am still in the throes of human confinement--where my heart remembers the pain although I am trying to forgive and move on. But I know, that because my heart is in the redemptive love of Christ, I will soon be able to forgive--and forgive them all: my abusive first love,  my absent biological father, the mocking friends from my past, but most importantly, the hypocritical person that I am myself. . . 


To understand that every human has a purpose for a greater mission in Life is a beautiful gift that naturally is followed by forgiveness and love. 

Thoughts

Ever wondered why things happen the way they do? Well, that is the story of my life, about 99% of the time. Even with faith in God, certain occurrences and situations really stump me. Like, why did one of my close friends lose their mom to cancer? She was still pretty young, and her leaving meant that not only did my friend lose his mother, but his dad lost his adored wife, and my mom lost her best friend. It was a low blow for all of us and ever since, things have definitely not been the same. My close friend and I aren't so close anymore, unfortunately, and no matter how I try to close the gap that has been widening over the years, he is still distant and won't acknowledge it. His father is happy, sure, with a new girlfriend, who is living with them, but you can see the sadness imprinted on his face. I don't know if it will ever really go away. And my own sweet mother, well, she has kept herself busier than ever, going through so many different jobs and coming out of it dissatisfied  every time.
I also wonder why the blessing of going abroad for a year really tested my character. I was in perhaps two of the most beautiful places in the world: Florence, Italy and Prague, Czech Republic. The former was a dream come true--a dream I did not even know was possible, but then, with so many blessings from the LORD, why did I even doubt! It came to pass: application after application, and with no personal cost for me or my family! Say Whaaaat? And since I could, I went abroad once more to the latter destination. I enjoyed myself in both locations, and I definitely learned a lot about myself and about the world surrounding me. But I had to reach my lowest low for some reason unbeknownst to my person. Read on.
Interestingly enough, leaving home to study abroad also placed more tension on a crumbling relationship I had with a man who I thought was going to be The One. Yes, The One—to marry, to love and to hold, for ever and ever, amen. But I now know that that very same relationship had been poisoning me for as long as I can remember. The distance was much needed breathing room, which slowly revealed the true nature of the man I thought was going to be The One. Yes, he turned out to be The One—to break my heart, to leave me hopeless and reckless, to drag me to the pits of Hell with suicidal thoughts and self-corruption (which manifested themselves in Prague while I was visiting Berlin alone). He was mainly the one who showed me that I had to value myself, alone. Because when I was alone in Prague, my mind went crazy, over and over, and I became someone I didn't know. I was different. The person I became scared me and the reason I was so scared was because I felt like I was losing myself to the destruction of the world of drugs. I won't say much more on the matter, because it is very frightening to speak about, but I can assure you, that if it wasn't for what Jesus did for me (and you) on The Cross, I wouldn't be here, alive, sharing my tale. It is as simple as that.
Read on?
With everything I have been through in my young life of only twenty years—not knowing my father and wondering about my origins, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my step-father, losing three sets of best friends to the frailties of youth, typical doubts and fears of self-worth due to past obesity, feeling true hopelessness and loss of sanity, a house fire at the age of five—how did I even make it this far? What else will I have to go through? That may be a little dramatic, but pain is relative. 
It also is all in the mind, speaking from a Psychological perspective. 
As I write this, the only justification for any of this, or any pain experienced by anyone in life, is that endurance produces character (Romans 5:4). Somewhere else in the bible (1 Peter 1:7), it is mentioned that when fires engulf our lives, they are only extant to refine our faith, in a sense, to bring forth the true gold that lies within our character. So the only constant in life is truth, let's say: something like the Sun. This is something that we can all agree on, regardless of religious/personal beliefs, or whether you are a child of the day or a creature of the night. 
The Sun always... is.
And I find that to be comforting.