Lately, I thought that I was losing my personal closeness to God. In the sense, that I haven't been FEELING Him like I used to--back when my heart was truly broken and so desperate for Him. I used to HEAR God speaking in my life. I used to SEE God showing me amazing things. And I was so blessed and grateful for it. But lately, I have felt cut out from that connection--maybe my access to God was over? These can be scary thoughts because these are those moments that we have that when we pray, we may sometimes feel like no one is listening. Am I just talking to myself?? And maybe, you feel that way now.. that you try to pray, you really do, but maybe God just really isn't listening to you...
Even through these times, I kept praying, but that feeling of disconnect was looming more each day and I didn't feel as eager to pray, or as open to the thought of prayer. I used to go about most of my days with thanksgiving and conversations to God. But, the distractions of school and friendships and past pain kept growing more and more and I briefly stopped acknowledging God in the complete way that He so only deserves. And this led me to feel, alone, .. again. And it is not a good feeling, I know.
And I didn't want to stay in this feeling of loneliness, the emptiness of my prayers--blank requests to a paper deity. I knew that God was still there, but I wondered, why don't I feel You anymore? They say that Mother Teresa was a woman who experienced just this; this "Dark Night of the Soul," although hers was probably more intense than mine. I never stopped praying though. And I think that made all the difference.
I still craved of the Goodness of the Lord, I still wanted more of Him, I just felt I was losing that relationship. For a brief moment. And so, I was very much looking forward to going to my Catholic Youth Group--to surround myself with a supportive community that understands and more importantly, actively seeks God as a community. These teenagers really inspire me because they have willingly chosen the love of the Lord, because they see that His Love is greater and more faithful than any lust of this world. I love going to this group for so many reasons, but mainly because I go there knowing that I am not alone in my struggles--that as a family in Christ, we have been brought together for a reason.
And I definitely believe that things happen for a reason.
Every third Friday of the month, we have started a tradition of going out as a group--to do something fun as friends. I was very much looking forward to this, because ever since my semester finished, the pain of my past has been knocking on my heart, trying to bring me down. So I needed the joy of the present that is present in these youth to remind me that I will be okay, after it all.
I was looking forward to it. But I thought I had lost my wallet and so this whole fiasco led to stress and wrong accusations on my part of theft, but mostly, this loss of my wallet led my parents to forbid me to stay out and thus, led me to head back home. I wasn't able to stay out and have fun! AND I AM TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD! And it wasn't even past eleven pm :( My younger sister was also upset, so there was that added disappointment on my shoulders.
I thought I just needed a night out with good people and good conversation. But God had something bigger for me that night and I didn't know it until after it all. Which is why I am writing this: I want to remember this night forever.
I entered my home, ready for battle--ready to argue with my close-minded father and ready to explode because of all the stress and pain I've been feeling lately. And it started out UGLY. But ended with GLORY. I'd like to think this is how God sees us with the sin in our lives.
I walked straight to my parents bedroom and began going off, angry at the injustice among other things. In the past, my step-father has compared me to prostitutes of the night, to the crazy clubbers and druggies, and all because I hang out at night. (reality: I don't dress skimpy. I don't like clubs nor drugs nor actions of any prostitute; my father apologized for the quick judgments--but I do understand him, I can't blame him if that is what the media is portraying the youth of today.) My step-father also started out by attacking my faith, that I was becoming "too Christian," loving God "too much," and as a Muslim, he was getting sick of it. And he didn't want my sister to get sucked into it like I had let myself. This led to tears and harsh words, but with a quick and sincere prayer to God, I started understanding where all this was coming from: my parents have been contemplating getting separated.
And I had no idea until tonight.
And it broke my heart.
I cried when I realized this. My biological father left before he even met me. Will my dad leave now, too? I was breaking inside as I heard my parents tell me their pain. Their marriage has never been the most romantic or affectionate, due to my dad's strict Muslim upbringing and culture mainly, but also to my mother's laziness and lack of understanding. But I never imagined that they felt they were falling out of love, that perhaps my family would get broken up and I would join the ranks of Americans whose families failed and where the sacrament of marriage was undermined. Never say never, right?
But, I also realized that God has a reason for my very existence, that I am meant to be so much more--truly a Light in this dark world during these dark times. I had wanted to be bowling with my friends, carefree and in a sense, care-less. My family needed me tonight, they needed me there to care--because they were on the verge of not caring anymore, of giving up on us as a family. I'm not saying they were going to get a divorce right then and there, but their hearts were breaking and they needed healing.
It's interesting because although I am their daughter, most of my life in this family has had me as the adult--I have always had to solve conflicts, be the mediator and mentor, help out with finances, etc. And that is a burden most kids don't have. They get to be kids, and get to ask of their parents. But with me, my parents have always been asking of me; they have needed me to be the adult and shed clear light on their troubles and situations. It's scary sometimes because I feel that I can barely handle my own struggles, so to add my parent's pain on top of that, and my sister's as well, ... well, my heart gets crushed sometimes. But God's heart is here. And all I know, is that He provides. He loves better than our hearts are able to. So crushed or not, God used me tonight to heal some hearts.
And that is a sublime and divine privilege.
It is easy to give up; to not care, to not love, to be selfish and have fun; to forget that there, in fact, are other hearts out there that just need to hear "I Love You" before it's too late. But we are not called to an easy life.
My parents began the night in tears and hurt, but thanks to the miracles of God's plans, they ended the night in smiles and tickles--rejuvenated love.
I don't know the future, but I know that God does. And I know that God does and works all things for Good... Even when I doubt it sometimes. What's so great is that God doesn't DOUBT like me though. God DOES. and just IS. And God is Love, after it all ... <3
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