Hurting others only ends up hurting yourself in the end.
I have hurt a lot of people in my life, even people that I truly care about and love dearly.
And that is the greatest guilt on my heart, one that is so heavy and unbearable.
From friends in middle school to my ex boyfriend (who depending on my mood is either amazing or a disgusting lowlife trashy loser), and even my mother sometimes.
But the person I want to address here is my beloved sister. Although she is technically my half sister, because we have different fathers, she was born on my birthday for a reason and I call her my sister. God sent her here to me and I have loved her from the moment I saw her.
Only thing is, I didn't appreciate this gift as much as I should have, until now. And luckily, it still is not too late--she is still here with me and so every day is a new day to make it all up to her. To remind her that I love her so so much and that I AM HERE for her.
I literally cry at the thought of how bad of a sister I have been, to my sweet little angel who didn't deserve any of my ill-mannered actions against her. I was a very depressed and angry obese teenager, hormonal and paranoid and lonely. And for some reason, I would take out all my negative emotions on her, an innocent and once-happy child. I really think that most of the reason why she is so angry now, and so hard to get to open up and share her emotions, is because of me. And that really pains me. It is such a heavy guilt.
I was abusive to her. And I try to rack my brain for answers as to why, but I come up with nothing. As far as I can remember, there really was no reason why I did such things to her. I was really mean to people in middle school--I was a fat and mean bully. I was even abusive to my ex boyfriend, jealous and abusive and cynical. And that truly gets to me; hurts me that I was so hurtful to others who did not really deserve such unwarranted behavior. I think back now and cannot understand, cannot even fathom, why I would be so cruel, especially to a cute and loving child like my younger sister.
And my regret doesn't even end with that--I was also neglectful of her as I got older and as I became very much involved with my ex. I stopped spending time with my family and dedicated all of me to some man who isn't even with me anymore. I couldn't wait to leave my house to be with him because I felt that no one loved me or cared about me or really wanted to know anything about me--meanwhile, me leaving was showing just those same sentiments to my little sister. My mind and my thinking were so warped; I had convinced myself that being with my ex boyfriend was better than being with my one and only family. And now, I am suffering the consequences of those decisions.
It just hurts me so much, sooo much, to have to accept that I am a big root to all of my sister's emotional pain. I love her sooo much and I can't fathom why or how I became that way. If I could, I definitely would go back in time and change SO many things in my life. And people always wanna bs their way and say "I don't regret anything" but we all know that there are certain things you do regret; and that it is normal.
All I can say is that I am so thankful to have realized all of this BEFORE it was too late--while I still have the chance to make up for my mistakes and my past. To really let my family know that I love them, and that I am willing to take all the blames and hurt because I would do anything for them to show them I love them; to show my little sister that I would, without a doubt in an instant! give up my life for hers, give up everything I have (save my faith) to give her everything she could ever need to be happy. I love her so much, it is ridiculous how much my heart aches knowing that her heart aches at any moment, if for but a moment.
I pray for forgiveness, wholly. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"--This is a huge and demanding request and requirement of our salvation, and it is one that only can be accomplished through God's Good Grace. I pray that I forgive how much others have hurt me, because I know that deep in my heart, I still have yet to forgiven many many people, both recent and of a more distant past. I pray that they may forgive me, because I know that although they have hurt me, I probably have hurt more people than I can imagine, and I regret all of that--I am not that way at all now, in no way shape or form could I hurt someone I love. But more than that, I need God's Grace to forgive myself--right now, I am really struggling with the fact that my past was so bleak and abusive, that I cry only thinking about it. I cry because I can feel their pain in my own heart, and I cry more because that pain was done by own hands, ushered from my own being. How do you forgive a monster when that monster is you?
Lord, may You please have mercy on my soul for I have walked a very sinful road. And as I continue to walk this road, more ugly things from my past are popping up; God is showing me all the wrong I have done, but what is beautiful even in that, is that His Love will always make everything new. And I am being made new, and I am working with Him to get through all of this. My family and I are growing together, and healing together, and I just pray that Mercy rains on me and in our hearts. I can't do this on my own.
Showing posts with label surrender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surrender. Show all posts
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I choose Life
I am utterly speechless at the immensity and overwhelming power of God's grace, mercy, and most importantly, love. There are so many things that have been speaking out to me, things that I have been saying all the time to my kids that I work with, and to friends of mine. But because of recent revelations, they ring truer than ever before.
"When it comes to love, fear has no place: only faith."
"The deeper the foundation, the taller you can grow."
"Family and God are the best loves you never knew you always had."
And these are just some of them, but the list and the words really could go on for infinity (much like God's kingdom). The purpose of this blog entry is to reveal that I have been given a clear and meaningful purpose, one that I could not ignore even if I wanted to, because the will of God is just more important and more powerful than anything of this world. And here is what has been happening to me...
Yesterday, as I was deeply sleeping, my cell phone rang and it was my cousin in despair, calling that she needed my help. And I could have chosen to keep sleeping because it was very early in the morning, but I chose to help her and let her come upstairs. She is going through a rough circumstance, almost similar to an extent to what I have been going through, and she was in dire need of moral support. Seeing how I kind of went through what she went through, I sought my Bible and asked God to tell me something that we both needed to hear. "Please," I prayed from my heart. And my eyes were guided to immediately fall on Isaiah 21:6-7. This could not have come at a better time, and once we started speaking about God, our whole conversation just kind of SNOWBALLED into an amazing idea. . . And just like that, BAM, our idea for H.O.M.E was born. H.O.M.E is going to be a place where families are fostered for orphans and kids who never really had that love or family. H.O.M.E is going to be everything and more, and it will have God at its center, as its stronghold. My cousin and I spent the rest of the day talking more about it, planning things out, thinking about potential investors (although it will ultimately be a non-profit organization), and even building layout designs. It is all a matter of time, but with all the research we have already done, I am in complete awe at the will power of God, and how much GOOD you can do before noon on a weekday morning. It is unbelievable. It is beautiful.
And the glory of God doesn't stop there. I went to work at 3 pm that same day, feeling in need of rest as I work around 70 hours a week, working at least 6 hours everyday. But upon arriving home at 3 am, and falling asleep, I was soon awakened at 5 am... And I was awakened, indefinitely. I was awakened by the light of God, a light so bright, that it was glorious and beautiful and effervescent, and glowing, and it shook me to my core, and then when I thought things couldn't get more beautiful, I realized right then and there that all throughout this thing called life, we have the choice to choose life or death. And with Jesus, we have the option of life forever available to us. And I reached for life, once more, and then, miraculously, I heard God speak to me. And one of the first things he told me clearly was that He was coming soon and that I could not go another day without sharing the gospel with my dad. My dad, who technically is my step-father, is a great, sweet, honest, hard working man, but he is a Muslim. And as a Christian-Catholic who just heard God telling her to talk to her dad, I could not refuse this heavenly duty placed upon me. And what's more is that God revealed something to me: that although I (or we as a human race) have the will and the want and the urge to go help others, to do His work in faraway lands, we first have to start in our own homes. What good is all that love of helping if in our own hearts, in our own homes, and/or in our own families, there is much to do for God's kingdom? As a people who follow Christ, and as a family of God, we have been Set Apart (Leviticus 22:24) to do something about it. To Act and To Be in faith, because when it comes to true love, fear has no place: only faith. And although I am completely overwhelmed and taken aback by the fact that God would test me over and over to see if I was ready for this message from him, I have heard it loud and clear, and I am sharing it with those I love... especially starting from the inside of my family and their hearts.
May God Bless You, because once Your life is in His hands, you will be shown a life of abundant blessings far more greater than anything you could have ever dreamed or imagined. I always loved kids and wanted my own, and now, with God's blessing and guidance and support, I may have way more coming than I ever expected. And it is Good, so Good.
"When it comes to love, fear has no place: only faith."
"The deeper the foundation, the taller you can grow."
"Family and God are the best loves you never knew you always had."
And these are just some of them, but the list and the words really could go on for infinity (much like God's kingdom). The purpose of this blog entry is to reveal that I have been given a clear and meaningful purpose, one that I could not ignore even if I wanted to, because the will of God is just more important and more powerful than anything of this world. And here is what has been happening to me...
Yesterday, as I was deeply sleeping, my cell phone rang and it was my cousin in despair, calling that she needed my help. And I could have chosen to keep sleeping because it was very early in the morning, but I chose to help her and let her come upstairs. She is going through a rough circumstance, almost similar to an extent to what I have been going through, and she was in dire need of moral support. Seeing how I kind of went through what she went through, I sought my Bible and asked God to tell me something that we both needed to hear. "Please," I prayed from my heart. And my eyes were guided to immediately fall on Isaiah 21:6-7. This could not have come at a better time, and once we started speaking about God, our whole conversation just kind of SNOWBALLED into an amazing idea. . . And just like that, BAM, our idea for H.O.M.E was born. H.O.M.E is going to be a place where families are fostered for orphans and kids who never really had that love or family. H.O.M.E is going to be everything and more, and it will have God at its center, as its stronghold. My cousin and I spent the rest of the day talking more about it, planning things out, thinking about potential investors (although it will ultimately be a non-profit organization), and even building layout designs. It is all a matter of time, but with all the research we have already done, I am in complete awe at the will power of God, and how much GOOD you can do before noon on a weekday morning. It is unbelievable. It is beautiful.
And the glory of God doesn't stop there. I went to work at 3 pm that same day, feeling in need of rest as I work around 70 hours a week, working at least 6 hours everyday. But upon arriving home at 3 am, and falling asleep, I was soon awakened at 5 am... And I was awakened, indefinitely. I was awakened by the light of God, a light so bright, that it was glorious and beautiful and effervescent, and glowing, and it shook me to my core, and then when I thought things couldn't get more beautiful, I realized right then and there that all throughout this thing called life, we have the choice to choose life or death. And with Jesus, we have the option of life forever available to us. And I reached for life, once more, and then, miraculously, I heard God speak to me. And one of the first things he told me clearly was that He was coming soon and that I could not go another day without sharing the gospel with my dad. My dad, who technically is my step-father, is a great, sweet, honest, hard working man, but he is a Muslim. And as a Christian-Catholic who just heard God telling her to talk to her dad, I could not refuse this heavenly duty placed upon me. And what's more is that God revealed something to me: that although I (or we as a human race) have the will and the want and the urge to go help others, to do His work in faraway lands, we first have to start in our own homes. What good is all that love of helping if in our own hearts, in our own homes, and/or in our own families, there is much to do for God's kingdom? As a people who follow Christ, and as a family of God, we have been Set Apart (Leviticus 22:24) to do something about it. To Act and To Be in faith, because when it comes to true love, fear has no place: only faith. And although I am completely overwhelmed and taken aback by the fact that God would test me over and over to see if I was ready for this message from him, I have heard it loud and clear, and I am sharing it with those I love... especially starting from the inside of my family and their hearts.
May God Bless You, because once Your life is in His hands, you will be shown a life of abundant blessings far more greater than anything you could have ever dreamed or imagined. I always loved kids and wanted my own, and now, with God's blessing and guidance and support, I may have way more coming than I ever expected. And it is Good, so Good.
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