I am utterly speechless at the immensity and overwhelming power of God's grace, mercy, and most importantly, love. There are so many things that have been speaking out to me, things that I have been saying all the time to my kids that I work with, and to friends of mine. But because of recent revelations, they ring truer than ever before.
"When it comes to love, fear has no place: only faith."
"The deeper the foundation, the taller you can grow."
"Family and God are the best loves you never knew you always had."
And these are just some of them, but the list and the words really could go on for infinity (much like God's kingdom). The purpose of this blog entry is to reveal that I have been given a clear and meaningful purpose, one that I could not ignore even if I wanted to, because the will of God is just more important and more powerful than anything of this world. And here is what has been happening to me...
Yesterday, as I was deeply sleeping, my cell phone rang and it was my cousin in despair, calling that she needed my help. And I could have chosen to keep sleeping because it was very early in the morning, but I chose to help her and let her come upstairs. She is going through a rough circumstance, almost similar to an extent to what I have been going through, and she was in dire need of moral support. Seeing how I kind of went through what she went through, I sought my Bible and asked God to tell me something that we both needed to hear. "Please," I prayed from my heart. And my eyes were guided to immediately fall on Isaiah 21:6-7. This could not have come at a better time, and once we started speaking about God, our whole conversation just kind of SNOWBALLED into an amazing idea. . . And just like that, BAM, our idea for H.O.M.E was born. H.O.M.E is going to be a place where families are fostered for orphans and kids who never really had that love or family. H.O.M.E is going to be everything and more, and it will have God at its center, as its stronghold. My cousin and I spent the rest of the day talking more about it, planning things out, thinking about potential investors (although it will ultimately be a non-profit organization), and even building layout designs. It is all a matter of time, but with all the research we have already done, I am in complete awe at the will power of God, and how much GOOD you can do before noon on a weekday morning. It is unbelievable. It is beautiful.
And the glory of God doesn't stop there. I went to work at 3 pm that same day, feeling in need of rest as I work around 70 hours a week, working at least 6 hours everyday. But upon arriving home at 3 am, and falling asleep, I was soon awakened at 5 am... And I was awakened, indefinitely. I was awakened by the light of God, a light so bright, that it was glorious and beautiful and effervescent, and glowing, and it shook me to my core, and then when I thought things couldn't get more beautiful, I realized right then and there that all throughout this thing called life, we have the choice to choose life or death. And with Jesus, we have the option of life forever available to us. And I reached for life, once more, and then, miraculously, I heard God speak to me. And one of the first things he told me clearly was that He was coming soon and that I could not go another day without sharing the gospel with my dad. My dad, who technically is my step-father, is a great, sweet, honest, hard working man, but he is a Muslim. And as a Christian-Catholic who just heard God telling her to talk to her dad, I could not refuse this heavenly duty placed upon me. And what's more is that God revealed something to me: that although I (or we as a human race) have the will and the want and the urge to go help others, to do His work in faraway lands, we first have to start in our own homes. What good is all that love of helping if in our own hearts, in our own homes, and/or in our own families, there is much to do for God's kingdom? As a people who follow Christ, and as a family of God, we have been Set Apart (Leviticus 22:24) to do something about it. To Act and To Be in faith, because when it comes to true love, fear has no place: only faith. And although I am completely overwhelmed and taken aback by the fact that God would test me over and over to see if I was ready for this message from him, I have heard it loud and clear, and I am sharing it with those I love... especially starting from the inside of my family and their hearts.
May God Bless You, because once Your life is in His hands, you will be shown a life of abundant blessings far more greater than anything you could have ever dreamed or imagined. I always loved kids and wanted my own, and now, with God's blessing and guidance and support, I may have way more coming than I ever expected. And it is Good, so Good.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Thus Far
I take a look at my life thus far and if I had written this entry just a little bit earlier, I probably would have been morbid and bitter and shown to regret every turn I have taken. But standing here today, and writing this now, I feel wiser and firmer in my decisions than ever before, and I am proud to say that, although it may not have been in anyway how I saw it, I am slowly getting to the place where I need to be. And I have God to thank for getting me here safely.
Being away in Europe for an entire year, away from the people I love and the home that I now appreciate more than ever, I have learned many valuable life lessons; lessons that have grounded my faith, that have strengthened my sense of self, and that have showed me that the love I have with my family is one that I could never be without. But what's more is that I have learned the most important lesson of all: True Love is the only refuge.
When I say that True Love is the only refuge, the only safe-haven, the only thing that can guide us correctly... I am not talking strictly about any human love. No. It is more than that. It is spiritual. It is personal. It is outside of the realm. It is something that words cannot describe. It is that type of Love, that type of Belonging, that we ALL, at some point or another, are desperately seeking, reaching out for always, and are always hoping that an indefinite sense of security does really exist. And after everything I have been through, I can assure anyone, anywhere, anytime, that it does exist. And I received it as a gift. And we can all have this gift of unconditional, everlasting, protecting, True love. We just have to start at the source: looking within and reaching outwards, sharing it with those who need it most.
In my time of need, God surrounded me with angels, people who really care about me and who dropped everything just to make sure that I was okay. And in my time of need, I was shocked that such love and such compassion actually existed in this world. Since then, everything has changed for me.
And since then, although I know I am safe and loved and that I have nothing to fear, life still throws little worries and challenges at me. And I have to admit that if I were alone in all of this, I probably wouldn't be able to withstand the ferocity of these issues. But because of the love of God and the support of my family, I am slowly getting through it.
I have been through a major break-up, involving more than heartache, where the flesh was made a playground, both in pleasure and in pain. Emotional pain. But also physicial pain--bruises that are now faded, but the burden behind them is still as heavy as the cement holding the foundations of buildings. It has been almost two months that I have cried everyday, trying to deal with it. It has been almost two months that there was no contact between the two of us. It has been almost two months that I have been in intensive therapy, trying to cope with my sanity that has been tangled in the ropes of life. It was almost two months, and then out of nowhere, he has begun to reach out to me again, almost begging my return.
But after all the progress I have made, I do feel stronger, and I can actually stand here and say that I do not know if I even want him back. We have been through a lot, and he seems sincere in his words, but I wonder if his actions could ever match up to his claims? Could his actions actually change from before? Could he actually become the man that he claims he can be for me? I always aim to believe in people, but I am a little scared about this one. For now, I am taking a break, and leaving it all in the hands of God. I am unsure about my next step, but I am sure that I can not take a step backward. Whatever happens has to be something that moves me forward. And I am waiting to be guided by the hands of True Love.
Also, there is another distraction in the mix. I have met a co-worker at one of my two current jobs. He definitely is not anymore perfect for me than my ex, but he is definitely keeping me distracted. There is just something about him that is so unbelievable appealing, I can't even grasp it. Of course, life would have it that the downside of this possible new romance is that he is already involved with some other woman. And I should take that as a clear indication that he is off-limits and that I should not even think about him, but I do find myself thinking about this new man and I do not know how to stop it.
After all of this, I am just wondering where it will all go... Where will I end up? I wish I could speed up time, fast forward to the part where all my problems are trophies of the past, obstacles that I overcame, and that I could be happy with a family of my own. However, I know that I would not want to waste a single second of my time here on Earth, and that this one life to live is worth that one love, no matter how we get there or where we end up.
Being away in Europe for an entire year, away from the people I love and the home that I now appreciate more than ever, I have learned many valuable life lessons; lessons that have grounded my faith, that have strengthened my sense of self, and that have showed me that the love I have with my family is one that I could never be without. But what's more is that I have learned the most important lesson of all: True Love is the only refuge.
When I say that True Love is the only refuge, the only safe-haven, the only thing that can guide us correctly... I am not talking strictly about any human love. No. It is more than that. It is spiritual. It is personal. It is outside of the realm. It is something that words cannot describe. It is that type of Love, that type of Belonging, that we ALL, at some point or another, are desperately seeking, reaching out for always, and are always hoping that an indefinite sense of security does really exist. And after everything I have been through, I can assure anyone, anywhere, anytime, that it does exist. And I received it as a gift. And we can all have this gift of unconditional, everlasting, protecting, True love. We just have to start at the source: looking within and reaching outwards, sharing it with those who need it most.
In my time of need, God surrounded me with angels, people who really care about me and who dropped everything just to make sure that I was okay. And in my time of need, I was shocked that such love and such compassion actually existed in this world. Since then, everything has changed for me.
And since then, although I know I am safe and loved and that I have nothing to fear, life still throws little worries and challenges at me. And I have to admit that if I were alone in all of this, I probably wouldn't be able to withstand the ferocity of these issues. But because of the love of God and the support of my family, I am slowly getting through it.
I have been through a major break-up, involving more than heartache, where the flesh was made a playground, both in pleasure and in pain. Emotional pain. But also physicial pain--bruises that are now faded, but the burden behind them is still as heavy as the cement holding the foundations of buildings. It has been almost two months that I have cried everyday, trying to deal with it. It has been almost two months that there was no contact between the two of us. It has been almost two months that I have been in intensive therapy, trying to cope with my sanity that has been tangled in the ropes of life. It was almost two months, and then out of nowhere, he has begun to reach out to me again, almost begging my return.
But after all the progress I have made, I do feel stronger, and I can actually stand here and say that I do not know if I even want him back. We have been through a lot, and he seems sincere in his words, but I wonder if his actions could ever match up to his claims? Could his actions actually change from before? Could he actually become the man that he claims he can be for me? I always aim to believe in people, but I am a little scared about this one. For now, I am taking a break, and leaving it all in the hands of God. I am unsure about my next step, but I am sure that I can not take a step backward. Whatever happens has to be something that moves me forward. And I am waiting to be guided by the hands of True Love.
Also, there is another distraction in the mix. I have met a co-worker at one of my two current jobs. He definitely is not anymore perfect for me than my ex, but he is definitely keeping me distracted. There is just something about him that is so unbelievable appealing, I can't even grasp it. Of course, life would have it that the downside of this possible new romance is that he is already involved with some other woman. And I should take that as a clear indication that he is off-limits and that I should not even think about him, but I do find myself thinking about this new man and I do not know how to stop it.
After all of this, I am just wondering where it will all go... Where will I end up? I wish I could speed up time, fast forward to the part where all my problems are trophies of the past, obstacles that I overcame, and that I could be happy with a family of my own. However, I know that I would not want to waste a single second of my time here on Earth, and that this one life to live is worth that one love, no matter how we get there or where we end up.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Believing vs. Waiting
"Late at night when all the world is sleeping,
I stay up and think of you..."
I'm a big Selena fan and I know so many of her songs, especially Dreaming of You. I can't feel more connected to this song than this moment right here. I have been dreaming of the love of my life, and I have waited for him what seems like almost a year. Sure, we've had rocky bumps this past year, but he should know "Como te necessito." I love this man with all my heart and it would only seem right that we end up together. Is it crazy? I don't know. I kind of think it might be. But that's what Love is, right? Crazy and unpredictable and consuming and worth it all. And I know, that someday, he will be worth it all. I am just waiting for him to forgive himself because, I think I have forgiven him. What he did against us doesn't even matter at this point because when it comes down to it, he's the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. No more lies. No more pain. No more games.
I want to be with him. And I am finally going to listen to my heart. I just hope with all my life that his heart feels exactly the same.. How could it not, right? We have been through so much and regardless of the downs, we always come back to the ups, and love just glows brighter than the last time. I don't want to keep going back and forth, wading in the confusion of a maybe. I don't want the maybe. I don't want the no. I want the yes.
I am not asking to marry him, I am not asking to be together forever. I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling him that I love him more than anything I have ever come to know. If I could I would trade it all just to be with him. I would take back all these wonderful opportunities to travel the world just so that we could recapture the love that slipped through my hands. I have felt the earth move through my hands everytime my heart opened up to his. And he opened up back to me. That has to be love.
I am so nervous at this point, because I have taken a big leap over a steep edge, overlooking an abyss of a cliff. And I don't know where I am going to land, but I hope that his heart finally breaks my fall.
Who made love so complicated? Why does love come with some pain sometimes? I know that "Temporary pain leads to permanent happiness," but when will this pain be over? It seems that it is becoming permanent and I don't want to lose hope.
And then I think, maybe I am just afraid to move on. To see what else is out there. Although I have definitely been around the world, and to be honest, I can't seem to find anyone as good as him for me. Maybe I am just being impatient? Maybe I just have to wait a little longer? I feel like this year has been an eternity and I am tired of waiting around.
So many love songs that profess die-hard passion is what I want to sing to him. It may be crazy, and it may be sad, but at least I am not cynical. I still believe in love. And I still believe in him--in us...
But the big question at this point is:
Does he?
I have taken a chance to believe. And maybe, waiting isn't so bad. But I pray with every fibre of my being, that I won't be here waiting another year. And yet, Love is definitely worth waiting for.
I stay up and think of you..."
I'm a big Selena fan and I know so many of her songs, especially Dreaming of You. I can't feel more connected to this song than this moment right here. I have been dreaming of the love of my life, and I have waited for him what seems like almost a year. Sure, we've had rocky bumps this past year, but he should know "Como te necessito." I love this man with all my heart and it would only seem right that we end up together. Is it crazy? I don't know. I kind of think it might be. But that's what Love is, right? Crazy and unpredictable and consuming and worth it all. And I know, that someday, he will be worth it all. I am just waiting for him to forgive himself because, I think I have forgiven him. What he did against us doesn't even matter at this point because when it comes down to it, he's the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. No more lies. No more pain. No more games.
I want to be with him. And I am finally going to listen to my heart. I just hope with all my life that his heart feels exactly the same.. How could it not, right? We have been through so much and regardless of the downs, we always come back to the ups, and love just glows brighter than the last time. I don't want to keep going back and forth, wading in the confusion of a maybe. I don't want the maybe. I don't want the no. I want the yes.
I am not asking to marry him, I am not asking to be together forever. I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling him that I love him more than anything I have ever come to know. If I could I would trade it all just to be with him. I would take back all these wonderful opportunities to travel the world just so that we could recapture the love that slipped through my hands. I have felt the earth move through my hands everytime my heart opened up to his. And he opened up back to me. That has to be love.
I am so nervous at this point, because I have taken a big leap over a steep edge, overlooking an abyss of a cliff. And I don't know where I am going to land, but I hope that his heart finally breaks my fall.
Who made love so complicated? Why does love come with some pain sometimes? I know that "Temporary pain leads to permanent happiness," but when will this pain be over? It seems that it is becoming permanent and I don't want to lose hope.
And then I think, maybe I am just afraid to move on. To see what else is out there. Although I have definitely been around the world, and to be honest, I can't seem to find anyone as good as him for me. Maybe I am just being impatient? Maybe I just have to wait a little longer? I feel like this year has been an eternity and I am tired of waiting around.
So many love songs that profess die-hard passion is what I want to sing to him. It may be crazy, and it may be sad, but at least I am not cynical. I still believe in love. And I still believe in him--in us...
But the big question at this point is:
Does he?
I have taken a chance to believe. And maybe, waiting isn't so bad. But I pray with every fibre of my being, that I won't be here waiting another year. And yet, Love is definitely worth waiting for.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
For Life
For all my life, I've only wanted one thing: True Love.
And this is not going to be sappy because I'm not talking about Prince Charming.
There are just so many different types of love out there: the love from another as a life partner, as a friend, as a best friend; love for yourself, for your family, for the world and strangers, for your work. Love, in other words, stands for so many other things: passion, compassion, commitment, determination, attachment, insistence, persistence, endurance, and most importantly, truth.
All my life, I have never known my beginnings. I have never met my biological father, and although I have been blessed by God with a loving step-father and I do have a great mother and the best, although craziest, little sister in the world, sometimes... I can't help but wonder how things would have been with my real father.
I have an understanding that things happen for a reason, and with that in mind, my mother tells me that my father was an atrocity of a man. And I believe her. The last image of my father was ripped away from my mother and I at my own doing. The memory is vivid in my mind: I was only four years old and my mother finally told me that the person I thought was my father was actually not. And with those confusing words uttered, she slipped from her dress pocket a small passport sized photo of my real father. His name is/was Frank and his last name was something like this: In-gen-jack. He's Polish and I don't know if that's spelled or hyphenated correctly. She showed me that picture, and I took it into my little hands, and I boldly tore it to pieces and threw the shreds away. I look at my mother's confused face and with compassion in my voice, I let her know that I loved her, and that we didn't need him. I hugged her, feeling her bosom rise softly as her cold tears fell on my golden hair.
That was the only picture we had of him. And now, because of me, it's gone. I do not regret my actions as a child, because, if you think about it, the innocence of a child--as I was in the moment--could not have been wrong. I knew, in that moment, that my mother was going to be all the parent I could ever want or need.
To this day, I still know nothing of that man that helped create me, and at moments, I would like to change that. But in moments like this, where I have a clear understanding of Love, especially the love of my family and of myself, I can say with confidence and with determination, that he means nothing to me. Just as I mean nothing to him.
But I want it to be clear: I am not complaining, because I know I have it good. I have been blessed more than words can even describe, and I know this is all because of the Hands of a more Perfect and Only Heavenly Father. And that is all the Parent anyone can really ever want or need. Someone to truly be there with you, through thick and thin, and will still love you whether you mess up or not.
Love, in all its imperfection, is what drives this world, what is at the core of all motivations and all dreams. And I know that one day, you and I will finally awake from our dreams and start living in the love that so graciously surrounds us all.
And this is not going to be sappy because I'm not talking about Prince Charming.
There are just so many different types of love out there: the love from another as a life partner, as a friend, as a best friend; love for yourself, for your family, for the world and strangers, for your work. Love, in other words, stands for so many other things: passion, compassion, commitment, determination, attachment, insistence, persistence, endurance, and most importantly, truth.
All my life, I have never known my beginnings. I have never met my biological father, and although I have been blessed by God with a loving step-father and I do have a great mother and the best, although craziest, little sister in the world, sometimes... I can't help but wonder how things would have been with my real father.
I have an understanding that things happen for a reason, and with that in mind, my mother tells me that my father was an atrocity of a man. And I believe her. The last image of my father was ripped away from my mother and I at my own doing. The memory is vivid in my mind: I was only four years old and my mother finally told me that the person I thought was my father was actually not. And with those confusing words uttered, she slipped from her dress pocket a small passport sized photo of my real father. His name is/was Frank and his last name was something like this: In-gen-jack. He's Polish and I don't know if that's spelled or hyphenated correctly. She showed me that picture, and I took it into my little hands, and I boldly tore it to pieces and threw the shreds away. I look at my mother's confused face and with compassion in my voice, I let her know that I loved her, and that we didn't need him. I hugged her, feeling her bosom rise softly as her cold tears fell on my golden hair.
That was the only picture we had of him. And now, because of me, it's gone. I do not regret my actions as a child, because, if you think about it, the innocence of a child--as I was in the moment--could not have been wrong. I knew, in that moment, that my mother was going to be all the parent I could ever want or need.
To this day, I still know nothing of that man that helped create me, and at moments, I would like to change that. But in moments like this, where I have a clear understanding of Love, especially the love of my family and of myself, I can say with confidence and with determination, that he means nothing to me. Just as I mean nothing to him.
But I want it to be clear: I am not complaining, because I know I have it good. I have been blessed more than words can even describe, and I know this is all because of the Hands of a more Perfect and Only Heavenly Father. And that is all the Parent anyone can really ever want or need. Someone to truly be there with you, through thick and thin, and will still love you whether you mess up or not.
Love, in all its imperfection, is what drives this world, what is at the core of all motivations and all dreams. And I know that one day, you and I will finally awake from our dreams and start living in the love that so graciously surrounds us all.
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