Mercy Me

Hurting others only ends up hurting yourself in the end.

I have hurt a lot of people in my life, even people that I truly care about and love dearly.
And that is the greatest guilt on my heart, one that is so heavy and unbearable.

From friends in middle school to my ex boyfriend (who depending on my mood is either amazing or a disgusting lowlife trashy loser), and even my mother sometimes.
But the person I want to address here is my beloved sister. Although she is technically my half sister, because we have different fathers, she was born on my birthday for a reason and I call her my sister. God sent her here to me and I have loved her from the moment I saw her.

Only thing is, I didn't appreciate this gift as much as I should have, until now. And luckily, it still is not too late--she is still here with me and so every day is a new day to make it all up to her. To remind her that I love her so so much and that I AM HERE for her.

I literally cry at the thought of how bad of a sister I have been, to my sweet little angel who didn't deserve any of my ill-mannered actions against her. I was a very depressed and angry obese teenager, hormonal and paranoid and lonely. And for some reason, I would take out all my negative emotions on her, an innocent and once-happy child. I really think that most of the reason why she is so angry now, and so hard to get to open up and share her emotions, is because of me. And that really pains me. It is such a heavy guilt.

I was abusive to her. And I try to rack my brain for answers as to why, but I come up with nothing. As far as I can remember, there really was no reason why I did such things to her. I was really mean to people in middle school--I was a fat and mean bully. I was even abusive to my ex boyfriend, jealous and abusive and cynical. And that truly gets to me; hurts me that I was so hurtful to others who did not really deserve such unwarranted behavior. I think back now and cannot understand, cannot even fathom, why I would be so cruel, especially to a cute and loving child like my younger sister.

And my regret doesn't even end with that--I was also neglectful of her as I got older and as I became very much involved with my ex. I stopped spending time with my family and dedicated all of me to some man who isn't even with me anymore. I couldn't wait to leave my house to be with him because I felt that no one loved me or cared about me or really wanted to know anything about me--meanwhile, me leaving was showing just those same sentiments to my little sister. My mind and my thinking were so warped; I had convinced myself that being with my ex boyfriend was better than being with my one and only family. And now, I am suffering the consequences of those decisions.

It just hurts me so much, sooo much, to have to accept that I am a big root to all of my sister's emotional pain. I love her sooo much and I can't fathom why or how I became that way. If I could, I definitely would go back in time and change SO many things in my life. And people always wanna bs their way and say "I don't regret anything" but we all know that there are certain things you do regret; and that it is normal.

All I can say is that I am so thankful to have realized all of this BEFORE it was too late--while I still have the chance to make up for my mistakes and my past. To really let my family know that I love them, and that I am willing to take all the blames and hurt because I would do anything for them to show them I love them; to show my little sister that I would, without a doubt in an instant! give up my life for hers, give up everything I have (save my faith) to give her everything she could ever need to be happy. I love her so much, it is ridiculous how much my heart aches knowing that her heart aches at any moment, if for but a moment.

I pray for forgiveness, wholly. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"--This is a huge and demanding request and requirement of our salvation, and it is one that only can be accomplished through God's Good Grace. I pray that I forgive how much others have hurt me, because I know that deep in my heart, I still have yet to forgiven many many people, both recent and of a more distant past. I pray that they may forgive me, because I know that although they have hurt me, I probably have hurt more people than I can imagine, and I regret all of that--I am not that way at all now, in no way shape or form could I hurt someone I love. But more than that, I need God's Grace to forgive myself--right now, I am really struggling with the fact that my past was so bleak and abusive, that I cry only thinking about it. I cry because I can feel their pain in my own heart, and I cry more because that pain was done by own hands, ushered from my own being. How do you forgive a monster when that monster is you?

Lord, may You please have mercy on my soul for I have walked a very sinful road. And as I continue to walk this road, more ugly things from my past are popping up; God is showing me all the wrong I have done, but what is beautiful even in that, is that His Love will always make everything new. And I am being made new, and I am working with Him to get through all of this. My family and I are growing together, and healing together, and I just pray that Mercy rains on me and in our hearts. I can't do this on my own.

Forgiving at 21

Life is so unexpected and overwhelming and messy sometimes that I truly cannot grasp the immensity of it all. Just take a look at the sky and you will know what I mean. 
I recently turned 21, and that is a milestone for most. Most (Americans) turn to binge drinking and other seemingly reckless activities on that big day--I believe a huge reason for this is because their lives still harbor a lot of hurt, and the nature of alcohol is easy to numbing pain. But for anyone who has drank excessively before, they know that too much drinking quickly leads to too much guilt and shameful reflection, and the night usually doesn't end well, whether it is throwing up, bashing on others, being violent, and/or just being sad and depressed. Alcohol is a depressant after all... So what usually begins as a great prospect for a fun night out ends up being a pathetic display of human weakness. While, in the past, I was in that lifestyle, luckily for me, I have become aware that excessive drinking and partying are still empty and lonely experiences, no matter how you try to look at it. And for anyone who knows me, I still love to party and dance, but now I do so moderately and in an environment filled with the love of my family and the friends that I can really confide in.
I turned 21 this past Tuesday, and lately, I have been very reflective. I also have come to face with some tough questions. However, I know that through it all, faith is the only thing that keeps me centered. 

In the personal struggle to forgive those who have really hurt me in the past, whether it be my family, friends, or my ex, I have come to a fantastic understanding. As a believer in the Kingdom of God, I understand that all children of God have a purpose in life--something they are meant to do to help further God's Kingdom and His Love. And that means ALL of His children, absolutely every single one. Even those who have hurt me. Their hurt to me, whether intentional or not, is in no way big enough or important enough or strong enough to stop the advancement of the Holy Kingdom. God's Love will inevitably shine through, and His Victory is for ALL of us--the good, the bad, and the ugly of us. 
With this understanding in mind, I immediately recognize, that forgiveness is that much more important. To forgive those who have hurt me, means that in my own heart, I am taking an active role in advancing the Kingdom. Not only that, but through forgiveness, love shines through and God is always at work--so how can I ever attempt to stop God's work in me? I can't. I simply can't. And it is comforting because I know that the God that works in me, in YOU, is just so loving and merciful and always wishes the best for us. 
That is why we need to forgive and wish the best for those who have hurt us. This is why I am capable of forgiving those who have hurt me, and this is why I sincerely and honestly wish my ex, and the other people from my painful past, the best in life--love, happiness, and success. That is not to say that I have forgiven every one one-hundred-percent of their actions against me. This is simply to say that with this knowledge about forgiveness, the actual task of forgiving someone becomes reasonable and desirable. We should forgive and truly want success for all, whether they hurt us or not, because through that hurt and other actions, their lives have a greater purpose at work. 
I am still in the throes of human confinement--where my heart remembers the pain although I am trying to forgive and move on. But I know, that because my heart is in the redemptive love of Christ, I will soon be able to forgive--and forgive them all: my abusive first love,  my absent biological father, the mocking friends from my past, but most importantly, the hypocritical person that I am myself. . . 


To understand that every human has a purpose for a greater mission in Life is a beautiful gift that naturally is followed by forgiveness and love.