Music

I have been making a lot of music lately, which is just an extension of my writing.

Most of my songs have been about that same one person and I just don't understand why they take up so much space in my mind when we had already moved apart so long ago. . 

Regardless, beautiful songs are being made, and I have been very proud of my progress. I don't really know where I want my music to go from here, but all I do know, is that I hope that whoever hears my songs has the opportunity to relate and get something positive from my music. I just want to spread a little hope, sharing in the hope that the Lord gives me. It is tough at times because sometimes I position myself directly behind a cloud so that I can't see the sun, but The Son always finds a way to come back straight into view.

I have been up really late making music also, and late hours tend to be dark and lonely. Yet, there still manages to be hope of a bright and happy tomorrow. This I know because regardless of the pain or whatever emotions I am going through, God manages to find a way to just bring peace to me--always. 

That is what I want my music to do. 

I want to write songs that expose a frail human heart that clings to True Love, so that when others hear my heart, they understand that life doesn't end at the first break of day--there are more days, more songs, more breaths, more beats, more steps, more words to be LIVED. I am so excited to keep progressing with my guitar and my songwriting, but I know that regardless, Jesus is helping me on this road so I am more excited to see what my Good God has in store for me. I know that it is better than this moment, and I'm pretty content right now, so I can only imagine the beauty that lies ahead. 

Forgiving at 21

Life is so unexpected and overwhelming and messy sometimes that I truly cannot grasp the immensity of it all. Just take a look at the sky and you will know what I mean. 
I recently turned 21, and that is a milestone for most. Most (Americans) turn to binge drinking and other seemingly reckless activities on that big day--I believe a huge reason for this is because their lives still harbor a lot of hurt, and the nature of alcohol is easy to numbing pain. But for anyone who has drank excessively before, they know that too much drinking quickly leads to too much guilt and shameful reflection, and the night usually doesn't end well, whether it is throwing up, bashing on others, being violent, and/or just being sad and depressed. Alcohol is a depressant after all... So what usually begins as a great prospect for a fun night out ends up being a pathetic display of human weakness. While, in the past, I was in that lifestyle, luckily for me, I have become aware that excessive drinking and partying are still empty and lonely experiences, no matter how you try to look at it. And for anyone who knows me, I still love to party and dance, but now I do so moderately and in an environment filled with the love of my family and the friends that I can really confide in.
I turned 21 this past Tuesday, and lately, I have been very reflective. I also have come to face with some tough questions. However, I know that through it all, faith is the only thing that keeps me centered. 

In the personal struggle to forgive those who have really hurt me in the past, whether it be my family, friends, or my ex, I have come to a fantastic understanding. As a believer in the Kingdom of God, I understand that all children of God have a purpose in life--something they are meant to do to help further God's Kingdom and His Love. And that means ALL of His children, absolutely every single one. Even those who have hurt me. Their hurt to me, whether intentional or not, is in no way big enough or important enough or strong enough to stop the advancement of the Holy Kingdom. God's Love will inevitably shine through, and His Victory is for ALL of us--the good, the bad, and the ugly of us. 
With this understanding in mind, I immediately recognize, that forgiveness is that much more important. To forgive those who have hurt me, means that in my own heart, I am taking an active role in advancing the Kingdom. Not only that, but through forgiveness, love shines through and God is always at work--so how can I ever attempt to stop God's work in me? I can't. I simply can't. And it is comforting because I know that the God that works in me, in YOU, is just so loving and merciful and always wishes the best for us. 
That is why we need to forgive and wish the best for those who have hurt us. This is why I am capable of forgiving those who have hurt me, and this is why I sincerely and honestly wish my ex, and the other people from my painful past, the best in life--love, happiness, and success. That is not to say that I have forgiven every one one-hundred-percent of their actions against me. This is simply to say that with this knowledge about forgiveness, the actual task of forgiving someone becomes reasonable and desirable. We should forgive and truly want success for all, whether they hurt us or not, because through that hurt and other actions, their lives have a greater purpose at work. 
I am still in the throes of human confinement--where my heart remembers the pain although I am trying to forgive and move on. But I know, that because my heart is in the redemptive love of Christ, I will soon be able to forgive--and forgive them all: my abusive first love,  my absent biological father, the mocking friends from my past, but most importantly, the hypocritical person that I am myself. . . 


To understand that every human has a purpose for a greater mission in Life is a beautiful gift that naturally is followed by forgiveness and love. 

Thoughts

Ever wondered why things happen the way they do? Well, that is the story of my life, about 99% of the time. Even with faith in God, certain occurrences and situations really stump me. Like, why did one of my close friends lose their mom to cancer? She was still pretty young, and her leaving meant that not only did my friend lose his mother, but his dad lost his adored wife, and my mom lost her best friend. It was a low blow for all of us and ever since, things have definitely not been the same. My close friend and I aren't so close anymore, unfortunately, and no matter how I try to close the gap that has been widening over the years, he is still distant and won't acknowledge it. His father is happy, sure, with a new girlfriend, who is living with them, but you can see the sadness imprinted on his face. I don't know if it will ever really go away. And my own sweet mother, well, she has kept herself busier than ever, going through so many different jobs and coming out of it dissatisfied  every time.
I also wonder why the blessing of going abroad for a year really tested my character. I was in perhaps two of the most beautiful places in the world: Florence, Italy and Prague, Czech Republic. The former was a dream come true--a dream I did not even know was possible, but then, with so many blessings from the LORD, why did I even doubt! It came to pass: application after application, and with no personal cost for me or my family! Say Whaaaat? And since I could, I went abroad once more to the latter destination. I enjoyed myself in both locations, and I definitely learned a lot about myself and about the world surrounding me. But I had to reach my lowest low for some reason unbeknownst to my person. Read on.
Interestingly enough, leaving home to study abroad also placed more tension on a crumbling relationship I had with a man who I thought was going to be The One. Yes, The One—to marry, to love and to hold, for ever and ever, amen. But I now know that that very same relationship had been poisoning me for as long as I can remember. The distance was much needed breathing room, which slowly revealed the true nature of the man I thought was going to be The One. Yes, he turned out to be The One—to break my heart, to leave me hopeless and reckless, to drag me to the pits of Hell with suicidal thoughts and self-corruption (which manifested themselves in Prague while I was visiting Berlin alone). He was mainly the one who showed me that I had to value myself, alone. Because when I was alone in Prague, my mind went crazy, over and over, and I became someone I didn't know. I was different. The person I became scared me and the reason I was so scared was because I felt like I was losing myself to the destruction of the world of drugs. I won't say much more on the matter, because it is very frightening to speak about, but I can assure you, that if it wasn't for what Jesus did for me (and you) on The Cross, I wouldn't be here, alive, sharing my tale. It is as simple as that.
Read on?
With everything I have been through in my young life of only twenty years—not knowing my father and wondering about my origins, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my step-father, losing three sets of best friends to the frailties of youth, typical doubts and fears of self-worth due to past obesity, feeling true hopelessness and loss of sanity, a house fire at the age of five—how did I even make it this far? What else will I have to go through? That may be a little dramatic, but pain is relative. 
It also is all in the mind, speaking from a Psychological perspective. 
As I write this, the only justification for any of this, or any pain experienced by anyone in life, is that endurance produces character (Romans 5:4). Somewhere else in the bible (1 Peter 1:7), it is mentioned that when fires engulf our lives, they are only extant to refine our faith, in a sense, to bring forth the true gold that lies within our character. So the only constant in life is truth, let's say: something like the Sun. This is something that we can all agree on, regardless of religious/personal beliefs, or whether you are a child of the day or a creature of the night. 
The Sun always... is.
And I find that to be comforting. 

I choose Life

I am utterly speechless at the immensity and overwhelming power of God's grace, mercy, and most importantly, love. There are so many things that have been speaking out to me, things that I have been saying all the time to my kids that I work with, and to friends of mine. But because of recent revelations, they ring truer than ever before.

"When it comes to love, fear has no place: only faith."
"The deeper the foundation, the taller you can grow."
"Family and God are the best loves you never knew you always had."

And these are just some of them, but the list and the words really could go on for infinity (much like God's kingdom). The purpose of this blog entry is to reveal that I have been given a clear and meaningful purpose, one that I could not ignore even if I wanted to, because the will of God is just more important and more powerful than anything of this world. And here is what has been happening to me...

Yesterday, as I was deeply sleeping, my cell phone rang and it was my cousin in despair, calling that she needed my help. And I could have chosen to keep sleeping because it was very early in the morning, but I chose to help her and let her come upstairs. She is going through a rough circumstance, almost similar to an extent to what I have been going through, and she was in dire need of moral support. Seeing how I kind of went through what she went through, I sought my Bible and asked God to tell me something that we both needed to hear. "Please," I prayed from my heart. And my eyes were guided to immediately fall on Isaiah 21:6-7. This could not have come at a better time, and once we started speaking about God, our whole conversation just kind of SNOWBALLED into an amazing idea. . . And just like that, BAM, our idea for H.O.M.E was born. H.O.M.E is going to be a place where families are fostered for orphans and kids who never really had that love or family. H.O.M.E is going to be everything and more, and it will have God at its center, as its stronghold. My cousin and I spent the rest of the day talking more about it, planning things out, thinking about potential investors (although it will ultimately be a non-profit organization), and even building layout designs. It is all a matter of time, but with all the research we have already done, I am in complete awe at the will power of God, and how much GOOD you can do before noon on a weekday morning. It is unbelievable. It is beautiful.

And the glory of God doesn't stop there. I went to work at 3 pm that same day, feeling in need of rest as I work around 70 hours a week, working at least 6 hours everyday. But upon arriving home at 3 am, and falling asleep, I was soon awakened at 5 am... And I was awakened, indefinitely. I was awakened by the light of God, a light so bright, that it was glorious and beautiful and effervescent, and glowing, and it shook me to my core, and then when I thought things couldn't get more beautiful, I realized right then and there that all throughout this thing called life, we have the choice to choose life or death. And with Jesus, we have the option of life forever available to us. And I reached for life, once more, and then, miraculously, I heard God speak to me. And one of the first things he told me clearly was that He was coming soon and that I could not go another day without sharing the gospel with my dad. My dad, who technically is my step-father, is a great, sweet, honest, hard working man, but he is a Muslim. And as a Christian-Catholic who just heard God telling her to talk to her dad, I could not refuse this heavenly duty placed upon me. And what's more is that God revealed something to me: that although I (or we as a human race) have the will and the want and the urge to go help others, to do His work in faraway lands, we first have to start in our own homes. What good is all that love of helping if in our own hearts, in our own homes, and/or in our own families, there is much to do for God's kingdom? As a people who follow Christ, and as a family of God, we have been Set Apart (Leviticus 22:24) to do something about it. To Act and To Be in faith, because when it comes to true love, fear has no place: only faith. And although I am completely overwhelmed and taken aback by the fact that God would test me over and over to see if I was ready for this message from him, I have heard it loud and clear, and I am sharing it with those I love... especially starting from the inside of my family and their hearts.

May God Bless You, because once Your life is in His hands, you will be shown a life of abundant blessings far more greater than anything you could have ever dreamed or imagined. I always loved kids and wanted my own, and now, with God's blessing and guidance and support, I may have way more coming than I ever expected. And it is Good, so Good.

Believing vs. Waiting

"Late at night when all the world is sleeping,
I stay up and think of you..."

I'm a big Selena fan and I know so many of her songs, especially Dreaming of You. I can't feel more connected to this song than this moment right here. I have been dreaming of the love of my life, and I have waited for him what seems like almost a year. Sure, we've had rocky bumps this past year, but he should know "Como te necessito." I love this man with all my heart and it would only seem right that we end up together. Is it crazy? I don't know. I kind of think it might be. But that's what Love is, right? Crazy and unpredictable and consuming and worth it all. And I know, that someday, he will be worth it all. I am just waiting for him to forgive himself because, I think I have forgiven him. What he did against us doesn't even matter at this point because when it comes down to it, he's the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life. No more lies. No more pain. No more games.

I want to be with him. And I am finally going to listen to my heart. I just hope with all my life that his heart feels exactly the same.. How could it not, right? We have been through so much and regardless of the downs, we always come back to the ups, and love just glows brighter than the last time. I don't want to keep going back and forth, wading in the confusion of a maybe. I don't want the maybe. I don't want the no. I want the yes.
I am not asking to marry him, I am not asking to be together forever. I am just a girl standing in front of a boy, telling him that I love him more than anything I have ever come to know. If I could I would trade it all just to be with him. I would take back all these wonderful opportunities to travel the world just so that we could recapture the love that slipped through my hands. I have felt the earth move through my hands everytime my heart opened up to his. And he opened up back to me. That has to be love.

I am so nervous at this point, because I have taken a big leap over a steep edge, overlooking an abyss of a cliff. And I don't know where I am going to land, but I hope that his heart finally breaks my fall.

Who made love so complicated? Why does love come with some pain sometimes? I know that "Temporary pain leads to permanent happiness," but when will this pain be over? It seems that it is becoming permanent and I don't want to lose hope.

And then I think, maybe I am just afraid to move on. To see what else is out there. Although I have definitely been around the world, and to be honest, I can't seem to find anyone as good as him for me. Maybe I am just being impatient? Maybe I just have to wait a little longer? I feel like this year has been an eternity and I am tired of waiting around.

So many love songs that profess die-hard passion is what I want to sing to him. It may be crazy, and it may be sad, but at least I am not cynical. I still believe in love. And I still believe in him--in us...
But the big question at this point is:

Does he?

I have taken a chance to believe. And maybe, waiting isn't so bad. But I pray with every fibre of my being, that I won't be here waiting another year. And yet, Love is definitely worth waiting for.