Mercy Me

Hurting others only ends up hurting yourself in the end.

I have hurt a lot of people in my life, even people that I truly care about and love dearly.
And that is the greatest guilt on my heart, one that is so heavy and unbearable.

From friends in middle school to my ex boyfriend (who depending on my mood is either amazing or a disgusting lowlife trashy loser), and even my mother sometimes.
But the person I want to address here is my beloved sister. Although she is technically my half sister, because we have different fathers, she was born on my birthday for a reason and I call her my sister. God sent her here to me and I have loved her from the moment I saw her.

Only thing is, I didn't appreciate this gift as much as I should have, until now. And luckily, it still is not too late--she is still here with me and so every day is a new day to make it all up to her. To remind her that I love her so so much and that I AM HERE for her.

I literally cry at the thought of how bad of a sister I have been, to my sweet little angel who didn't deserve any of my ill-mannered actions against her. I was a very depressed and angry obese teenager, hormonal and paranoid and lonely. And for some reason, I would take out all my negative emotions on her, an innocent and once-happy child. I really think that most of the reason why she is so angry now, and so hard to get to open up and share her emotions, is because of me. And that really pains me. It is such a heavy guilt.

I was abusive to her. And I try to rack my brain for answers as to why, but I come up with nothing. As far as I can remember, there really was no reason why I did such things to her. I was really mean to people in middle school--I was a fat and mean bully. I was even abusive to my ex boyfriend, jealous and abusive and cynical. And that truly gets to me; hurts me that I was so hurtful to others who did not really deserve such unwarranted behavior. I think back now and cannot understand, cannot even fathom, why I would be so cruel, especially to a cute and loving child like my younger sister.

And my regret doesn't even end with that--I was also neglectful of her as I got older and as I became very much involved with my ex. I stopped spending time with my family and dedicated all of me to some man who isn't even with me anymore. I couldn't wait to leave my house to be with him because I felt that no one loved me or cared about me or really wanted to know anything about me--meanwhile, me leaving was showing just those same sentiments to my little sister. My mind and my thinking were so warped; I had convinced myself that being with my ex boyfriend was better than being with my one and only family. And now, I am suffering the consequences of those decisions.

It just hurts me so much, sooo much, to have to accept that I am a big root to all of my sister's emotional pain. I love her sooo much and I can't fathom why or how I became that way. If I could, I definitely would go back in time and change SO many things in my life. And people always wanna bs their way and say "I don't regret anything" but we all know that there are certain things you do regret; and that it is normal.

All I can say is that I am so thankful to have realized all of this BEFORE it was too late--while I still have the chance to make up for my mistakes and my past. To really let my family know that I love them, and that I am willing to take all the blames and hurt because I would do anything for them to show them I love them; to show my little sister that I would, without a doubt in an instant! give up my life for hers, give up everything I have (save my faith) to give her everything she could ever need to be happy. I love her so much, it is ridiculous how much my heart aches knowing that her heart aches at any moment, if for but a moment.

I pray for forgiveness, wholly. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"--This is a huge and demanding request and requirement of our salvation, and it is one that only can be accomplished through God's Good Grace. I pray that I forgive how much others have hurt me, because I know that deep in my heart, I still have yet to forgiven many many people, both recent and of a more distant past. I pray that they may forgive me, because I know that although they have hurt me, I probably have hurt more people than I can imagine, and I regret all of that--I am not that way at all now, in no way shape or form could I hurt someone I love. But more than that, I need God's Grace to forgive myself--right now, I am really struggling with the fact that my past was so bleak and abusive, that I cry only thinking about it. I cry because I can feel their pain in my own heart, and I cry more because that pain was done by own hands, ushered from my own being. How do you forgive a monster when that monster is you?

Lord, may You please have mercy on my soul for I have walked a very sinful road. And as I continue to walk this road, more ugly things from my past are popping up; God is showing me all the wrong I have done, but what is beautiful even in that, is that His Love will always make everything new. And I am being made new, and I am working with Him to get through all of this. My family and I are growing together, and healing together, and I just pray that Mercy rains on me and in our hearts. I can't do this on my own.

Family Matters

"if God always rescued those who were true to Him, christians would not need faith. their religion would be a great insurance policy and there would be lines of selfish people ready to sign up... the cross is proof God doesnt always bring us out of our pain but that He always has a greater plan in mind at the end. He loves u, hang tight to Him even when its hard i promise it will be worth it ♥ -31 status" .... TRUER WORDS could not have been spoken to me right now. Everything happens for a reason and tonight is SURELY a testament of God's immense Love and unimaginable plans... that are always better than I can imagine. the pain that we feel prepares us for the battle but we know that God is our STRENGTH.


Lately, I thought that I was losing my personal closeness to God. In the sense, that I haven't been FEELING Him like I used to--back when my heart was truly broken and so desperate for Him. I used to HEAR God speaking in my life. I used to SEE God showing me amazing things. And I was so blessed and grateful for it. But lately, I have felt cut out from that connection--maybe my access to God was over? These can be scary thoughts because these are those moments that we have that when we pray, we may sometimes feel like no one is listening. Am I just talking to myself?? And maybe, you feel that way now.. that you try to pray, you really do, but maybe God just really isn't listening to you...


Even through these times, I kept praying, but that feeling of disconnect was looming more each day and I didn't feel as eager to pray, or as open to the thought of prayer. I used to go about most of my days with thanksgiving and conversations to God. But, the distractions of school and friendships and past pain kept growing more and more and I briefly stopped acknowledging God in the complete way that He so only deserves. And this led me to feel, alone, .. again. And it is not a good feeling, I know. 


And I didn't want to stay in this feeling of loneliness, the emptiness of my prayers--blank requests to a paper deity. I knew that God was still there, but I wondered, why don't I feel You anymore?  They say that Mother Teresa was a woman who experienced just this; this "Dark Night of the Soul," although hers was probably more intense than mine. I never stopped praying though. And I think that made all the difference.


I still craved of the Goodness of the Lord, I still wanted more of Him, I just felt I was losing that relationship. For a brief moment. And so, I was very much looking forward to going to my Catholic Youth Group--to surround myself with a supportive community that understands and more importantly, actively seeks God as a community. These teenagers really inspire me because they have willingly chosen the love of the Lord, because they see that His Love is greater and more faithful than any lust of this world. I love going to this group for so many reasons, but mainly because I go there knowing that I am not alone in my struggles--that as a family in Christ, we have been brought together for a reason. 


And I definitely believe that things happen for a reason. 

Every third Friday of the month, we have started a tradition of going out as a group--to do something fun as friends. I was very much looking forward to this, because ever since my semester finished, the pain of my past has been knocking on my heart, trying to bring me down. So I needed the joy of the present that is present in these youth to remind me that I will be okay, after it all. 

I was looking forward to it. But I thought I had lost my wallet and so this whole fiasco led to stress and wrong accusations on my part of theft, but mostly, this loss of my wallet led my parents to forbid me to stay out and thus, led me to head back home. I wasn't able to stay out and have fun! AND I AM TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD! And it wasn't even past eleven pm :( My younger sister was also upset, so there was that added disappointment on my shoulders. 

I thought I just needed a night out with good people and good conversation. But God had something bigger for me that night and I didn't know it until after it all. Which is why I am writing this: I want to remember this night forever. 

I entered my home, ready for battle--ready to argue with my close-minded father and ready to explode because of all the stress and pain I've been feeling lately. And it started out UGLY. But ended with GLORY. I'd like to think this is how God sees us with the sin in our lives. 

I walked straight to my parents bedroom and began going off, angry at the injustice among other things. In the past, my step-father has compared me to prostitutes of the night, to the crazy clubbers and druggies, and all because I hang out at night. (reality: I don't dress skimpy. I don't like clubs nor drugs nor actions of any prostitute; my father apologized for the quick judgments--but I do understand him, I can't blame him if that is what the media is portraying the youth of today.) My step-father also started out by attacking my faith, that I was becoming "too Christian," loving God "too much," and as a Muslim, he was getting sick of it. And he didn't want my sister to get sucked into it like I had let myself. This led to tears and harsh words, but with a quick and sincere prayer to God, I started understanding where all this was coming from: my parents have been contemplating getting separated.

And I had no idea until tonight. 

And it broke my heart. 

I cried when I realized this. My biological father left before he even met me. Will my dad leave now, too? I was breaking inside as I heard my parents tell me their pain. Their marriage has never been the most romantic or affectionate, due to my dad's strict Muslim upbringing and culture mainly, but also to my mother's laziness and lack of understanding. But I never imagined that they felt they were falling out of love, that perhaps my family would get broken up and I would join the ranks of Americans whose families failed and where the sacrament of marriage was undermined. Never say never, right? 

But, I also realized that God has a reason for my very existence, that I am meant to be so much more--truly a Light in this dark world during these dark times. I had wanted to be bowling with my friends, carefree and in a sense, care-less. My family needed me tonight, they needed me there to care--because they were on the verge of not caring anymore, of giving up on us as a family. I'm not saying they were going to get a divorce right then and there, but their hearts were breaking and they needed healing.

It's interesting because although I am their daughter, most of my life in this family has had me as the adult--I have always had to solve conflicts, be the mediator and mentor, help out with finances, etc. And that is a burden most kids don't have. They get to be kids, and get to ask of their parents. But with me, my parents have always been asking of me; they have needed me to be the adult and shed clear light on their troubles and situations. It's scary sometimes because I feel that I can barely handle my own struggles, so to add my parent's pain on top of that, and my sister's as well, ... well, my heart gets crushed sometimes. But God's heart is here. And all I know, is that He provides. He loves better than our hearts are able to. So crushed or not, God used me tonight to heal some hearts. 

And that is a sublime and divine privilege. 

It is easy to give up; to not care, to not love, to be selfish and have fun; to forget that there, in fact, are other hearts out there that just need to hear "I Love You" before it's too late. But we are not called to an easy life. 

My parents began the night in tears and hurt, but thanks to the miracles of God's plans, they ended the night in smiles and tickles--rejuvenated love. 

I don't know the future, but I know that God does. And I know that God does and works all things for Good... Even when I doubt it sometimes. What's so great is that God doesn't DOUBT like me though. God DOES. and just IS. And God is Love, after it all ... <3 

For Life

For all my life, I've only wanted one thing: True Love.
And this is not going to be sappy because I'm not talking about Prince Charming.
There are just so many different types of love out there: the love from another as a life partner, as a friend, as a best friend; love for yourself, for your family, for the world and strangers, for your work. Love, in other words, stands for so many other things: passion, compassion, commitment, determination, attachment, insistence, persistence, endurance, and most importantly, truth.
All my life, I have never known my beginnings. I have never met my biological father, and although I have been blessed by God with a loving step-father and I do have a great mother and the best, although craziest, little sister in the world, sometimes... I can't help but wonder how things would have been with my real father.
I have an understanding that things happen for a reason, and with that in mind, my mother tells me that my father was an atrocity of a man. And I believe her. The last image of my father was ripped away from my mother and I at my own doing. The memory is vivid in my mind: I was only four years old and my mother finally told me that the person I thought was my father was actually not. And with those confusing words uttered, she slipped from her dress pocket a small passport sized photo of my real father. His name is/was Frank and his last name was something like this: In-gen-jack. He's Polish and I don't know if that's spelled or hyphenated correctly. She showed me that picture, and I took it into my little hands, and I boldly tore it to pieces and threw the shreds away. I look at my mother's confused face and with compassion in my voice, I let her know that I loved her, and that we didn't need him. I hugged her, feeling her bosom rise softly as her cold tears fell on my golden hair.
That was the only picture we had of him. And now, because of me, it's gone. I do not regret my actions as a child, because, if you think about it, the innocence of a child--as I was in the moment--could not have been wrong. I knew, in that moment, that my mother was going to be all the parent I could ever want or need.
To this day, I still know nothing of that man that helped create me, and at moments, I would like to change that. But in moments like this, where I have a clear understanding of Love, especially the love of my family and of myself, I can say with confidence and with determination, that he means nothing to me. Just as I mean nothing to him.
But I want it to be clear: I am not complaining, because I know I have it good. I have been blessed more than words can even describe, and I know this is all because of the Hands of a more Perfect and Only Heavenly Father. And that is all the Parent anyone can really ever want or need. Someone to truly be there with you, through thick and thin, and will still love you whether you mess up or not.
Love, in all its imperfection, is what drives this world, what is at the core of all motivations and all dreams. And I know that one day, you and I will finally awake from our dreams and start living in the love that so graciously surrounds us all.