Music

I have been making a lot of music lately, which is just an extension of my writing.

Most of my songs have been about that same one person and I just don't understand why they take up so much space in my mind when we had already moved apart so long ago. . 

Regardless, beautiful songs are being made, and I have been very proud of my progress. I don't really know where I want my music to go from here, but all I do know, is that I hope that whoever hears my songs has the opportunity to relate and get something positive from my music. I just want to spread a little hope, sharing in the hope that the Lord gives me. It is tough at times because sometimes I position myself directly behind a cloud so that I can't see the sun, but The Son always finds a way to come back straight into view.

I have been up really late making music also, and late hours tend to be dark and lonely. Yet, there still manages to be hope of a bright and happy tomorrow. This I know because regardless of the pain or whatever emotions I am going through, God manages to find a way to just bring peace to me--always. 

That is what I want my music to do. 

I want to write songs that expose a frail human heart that clings to True Love, so that when others hear my heart, they understand that life doesn't end at the first break of day--there are more days, more songs, more breaths, more beats, more steps, more words to be LIVED. I am so excited to keep progressing with my guitar and my songwriting, but I know that regardless, Jesus is helping me on this road so I am more excited to see what my Good God has in store for me. I know that it is better than this moment, and I'm pretty content right now, so I can only imagine the beauty that lies ahead. 

Mercy Me

Hurting others only ends up hurting yourself in the end.

I have hurt a lot of people in my life, even people that I truly care about and love dearly.
And that is the greatest guilt on my heart, one that is so heavy and unbearable.

From friends in middle school to my ex boyfriend (who depending on my mood is either amazing or a disgusting lowlife trashy loser), and even my mother sometimes.
But the person I want to address here is my beloved sister. Although she is technically my half sister, because we have different fathers, she was born on my birthday for a reason and I call her my sister. God sent her here to me and I have loved her from the moment I saw her.

Only thing is, I didn't appreciate this gift as much as I should have, until now. And luckily, it still is not too late--she is still here with me and so every day is a new day to make it all up to her. To remind her that I love her so so much and that I AM HERE for her.

I literally cry at the thought of how bad of a sister I have been, to my sweet little angel who didn't deserve any of my ill-mannered actions against her. I was a very depressed and angry obese teenager, hormonal and paranoid and lonely. And for some reason, I would take out all my negative emotions on her, an innocent and once-happy child. I really think that most of the reason why she is so angry now, and so hard to get to open up and share her emotions, is because of me. And that really pains me. It is such a heavy guilt.

I was abusive to her. And I try to rack my brain for answers as to why, but I come up with nothing. As far as I can remember, there really was no reason why I did such things to her. I was really mean to people in middle school--I was a fat and mean bully. I was even abusive to my ex boyfriend, jealous and abusive and cynical. And that truly gets to me; hurts me that I was so hurtful to others who did not really deserve such unwarranted behavior. I think back now and cannot understand, cannot even fathom, why I would be so cruel, especially to a cute and loving child like my younger sister.

And my regret doesn't even end with that--I was also neglectful of her as I got older and as I became very much involved with my ex. I stopped spending time with my family and dedicated all of me to some man who isn't even with me anymore. I couldn't wait to leave my house to be with him because I felt that no one loved me or cared about me or really wanted to know anything about me--meanwhile, me leaving was showing just those same sentiments to my little sister. My mind and my thinking were so warped; I had convinced myself that being with my ex boyfriend was better than being with my one and only family. And now, I am suffering the consequences of those decisions.

It just hurts me so much, sooo much, to have to accept that I am a big root to all of my sister's emotional pain. I love her sooo much and I can't fathom why or how I became that way. If I could, I definitely would go back in time and change SO many things in my life. And people always wanna bs their way and say "I don't regret anything" but we all know that there are certain things you do regret; and that it is normal.

All I can say is that I am so thankful to have realized all of this BEFORE it was too late--while I still have the chance to make up for my mistakes and my past. To really let my family know that I love them, and that I am willing to take all the blames and hurt because I would do anything for them to show them I love them; to show my little sister that I would, without a doubt in an instant! give up my life for hers, give up everything I have (save my faith) to give her everything she could ever need to be happy. I love her so much, it is ridiculous how much my heart aches knowing that her heart aches at any moment, if for but a moment.

I pray for forgiveness, wholly. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"--This is a huge and demanding request and requirement of our salvation, and it is one that only can be accomplished through God's Good Grace. I pray that I forgive how much others have hurt me, because I know that deep in my heart, I still have yet to forgiven many many people, both recent and of a more distant past. I pray that they may forgive me, because I know that although they have hurt me, I probably have hurt more people than I can imagine, and I regret all of that--I am not that way at all now, in no way shape or form could I hurt someone I love. But more than that, I need God's Grace to forgive myself--right now, I am really struggling with the fact that my past was so bleak and abusive, that I cry only thinking about it. I cry because I can feel their pain in my own heart, and I cry more because that pain was done by own hands, ushered from my own being. How do you forgive a monster when that monster is you?

Lord, may You please have mercy on my soul for I have walked a very sinful road. And as I continue to walk this road, more ugly things from my past are popping up; God is showing me all the wrong I have done, but what is beautiful even in that, is that His Love will always make everything new. And I am being made new, and I am working with Him to get through all of this. My family and I are growing together, and healing together, and I just pray that Mercy rains on me and in our hearts. I can't do this on my own.

Hope

Somewhere over the rainbow, my prince charming is waiting at the end of it with a pot o' gold and a beautiful big diamond ring... But most importantly, he is there with his heart, waiting for me. Yep, somewhere out there.


Recently, the concept of a relationship has sprung up again into my mind and into my heart. And if you know me and what I have been going through, that is somewhat of a shock. But, I think the main reason why I am thinking about this a lot is because I was discerning a religious vocation (aka becoming a nun). It's been something that I have been praying about. However, another reason why I have been thinking about it a lot is because, I woke up one morning in a not-so-cheery mood, when my mother attacked me with the dreaded question: "When are you gonna get a boyfriend?! YA ES TIEMPO MI'JA!" All I could do, as I rubbed away some sleep from my eyes, was to sigh deeply. But inside, so many answers fluttered in a frenzy across my mind. I wanted to shout out "When I can find a decent man!" or "NEVER!! ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!!" 


But the truth is, I know it won't happen anytime soon because what needs to first happen is for me to properly be able to discern between the TRASH and the TREASURE. See, men (and women as well) can be quite mischievous and clever and with so many tricks up their sleeves, and all in the wrong respects. Growing up, I have had my fair share of horrible relationships. This one time, when I was fourteen and my ignorance allowed me to date an 18-year-old (shame on him/me), I thought I was falling in love. The guy I was dating was doing everything right: calling me everyday, telling me beautiful things and hopes for a happy future, and not only that, but he was buying me almost everything I never knew I wanted. From coach bags, to an entire ruby jewelry set collection, he was pampering me like no one has ever done. And that was nice and all, but I've always been a simple girl: my love don't cost a thing, and you definitely can't buy me with fancy gifts. On our one-month anniversary (lol --if you've ever been in a teenage romance, you know you had those too!), he took me to the fancy catering hall he was working at and had it set up like a movie! One table in the middle of a big room, with dim lights, candles, red roses, and a violinist! To make a sad tale short, he got me drunk without my consent and tried to take advantage of me, but because I never gave him what he wanted (sex), he broke up with me immediately the following morning. He did it over the phone and was so honest about it: "I just called to tell you that while we were dating, I was with my girlfriend the whole time. And I only wanted you to have sex. But since you are such a prude bitch, I don't need you anymore" I remember his words so clearly. I was so angry and upset and hurt and I felt so used and dumb, but I told him off and we never spoke again. At least I still had my dignity; He couldn't buy me no matter how hard he tried. 


I shared that little story because it is the most extreme case that I know of in regards to how far people will actually go just to get sex--without any concern about the damage they do to another person. Did he completely forget that I had a heart? Little do people come to realize that finding a person of HEART is a rare commodity this day and age. And that is why I refrain from being in a relationship right now. Not just because of that one jerk I dated a couple of years ago, but because I still see jerks like that (men AND women). There are so many people out there who only want the physical, who don't care about the wonderful gifts that come with LOVE, and who won't even put the time to pretend to want to be in a loving relationship. This society has turned so many hearts into cold lifeless machines, but mine is still beating hot and bright because of the love of Christ. And I am not ashamed to say it. I still believe in love because I believe that there IS something MORE for me, someone made FOR me and someone who will LOVE me like I was MADE to be loved. 


It is interesting because sometimes, it does get really lonely, of course it does! I am not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I wake up strong and happy to be single every single day. HECK NO! I want my man. But the difference is that I know I need to be patient. And it is also interesting because sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who still believes in true love anymore--who still wants to wait for true love. But here I am, waiting. And patience has never been my strongest trait. But prayer and hope really does wonders.

I was praying while I was walking my dog one night, giving thanks for having experienced another day, when I noticed a little light out of the corner of my eye. And then it disappeared. When I focused a tiny bit more, I noticed there were so many! They were all floating around a beautiful bush of light pink roses. Fireflies! One thing I love so much about summer nights are fireflies. They pop up when you least expect it, and they do so with such poise.  Fireflies are so special because they don't just intrude on the scenery, but rather, they seam to weave themselves seamlessly through the moments, glowing dimly, in and out of existence. They are magnificent representations of life--fleeting moments of brilliance, yet, so poignant. When I see them, living so easily, they truly spark my hope, much like how they give new light to the night. 


As my dog was watching them with me, I felt a peaceful hope. I know that I will live to see the day where my heart glows again, warm and fuzzy and happy. 

Family Matters

"if God always rescued those who were true to Him, christians would not need faith. their religion would be a great insurance policy and there would be lines of selfish people ready to sign up... the cross is proof God doesnt always bring us out of our pain but that He always has a greater plan in mind at the end. He loves u, hang tight to Him even when its hard i promise it will be worth it ♥ -31 status" .... TRUER WORDS could not have been spoken to me right now. Everything happens for a reason and tonight is SURELY a testament of God's immense Love and unimaginable plans... that are always better than I can imagine. the pain that we feel prepares us for the battle but we know that God is our STRENGTH.


Lately, I thought that I was losing my personal closeness to God. In the sense, that I haven't been FEELING Him like I used to--back when my heart was truly broken and so desperate for Him. I used to HEAR God speaking in my life. I used to SEE God showing me amazing things. And I was so blessed and grateful for it. But lately, I have felt cut out from that connection--maybe my access to God was over? These can be scary thoughts because these are those moments that we have that when we pray, we may sometimes feel like no one is listening. Am I just talking to myself?? And maybe, you feel that way now.. that you try to pray, you really do, but maybe God just really isn't listening to you...


Even through these times, I kept praying, but that feeling of disconnect was looming more each day and I didn't feel as eager to pray, or as open to the thought of prayer. I used to go about most of my days with thanksgiving and conversations to God. But, the distractions of school and friendships and past pain kept growing more and more and I briefly stopped acknowledging God in the complete way that He so only deserves. And this led me to feel, alone, .. again. And it is not a good feeling, I know. 


And I didn't want to stay in this feeling of loneliness, the emptiness of my prayers--blank requests to a paper deity. I knew that God was still there, but I wondered, why don't I feel You anymore?  They say that Mother Teresa was a woman who experienced just this; this "Dark Night of the Soul," although hers was probably more intense than mine. I never stopped praying though. And I think that made all the difference.


I still craved of the Goodness of the Lord, I still wanted more of Him, I just felt I was losing that relationship. For a brief moment. And so, I was very much looking forward to going to my Catholic Youth Group--to surround myself with a supportive community that understands and more importantly, actively seeks God as a community. These teenagers really inspire me because they have willingly chosen the love of the Lord, because they see that His Love is greater and more faithful than any lust of this world. I love going to this group for so many reasons, but mainly because I go there knowing that I am not alone in my struggles--that as a family in Christ, we have been brought together for a reason. 


And I definitely believe that things happen for a reason. 

Every third Friday of the month, we have started a tradition of going out as a group--to do something fun as friends. I was very much looking forward to this, because ever since my semester finished, the pain of my past has been knocking on my heart, trying to bring me down. So I needed the joy of the present that is present in these youth to remind me that I will be okay, after it all. 

I was looking forward to it. But I thought I had lost my wallet and so this whole fiasco led to stress and wrong accusations on my part of theft, but mostly, this loss of my wallet led my parents to forbid me to stay out and thus, led me to head back home. I wasn't able to stay out and have fun! AND I AM TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD! And it wasn't even past eleven pm :( My younger sister was also upset, so there was that added disappointment on my shoulders. 

I thought I just needed a night out with good people and good conversation. But God had something bigger for me that night and I didn't know it until after it all. Which is why I am writing this: I want to remember this night forever. 

I entered my home, ready for battle--ready to argue with my close-minded father and ready to explode because of all the stress and pain I've been feeling lately. And it started out UGLY. But ended with GLORY. I'd like to think this is how God sees us with the sin in our lives. 

I walked straight to my parents bedroom and began going off, angry at the injustice among other things. In the past, my step-father has compared me to prostitutes of the night, to the crazy clubbers and druggies, and all because I hang out at night. (reality: I don't dress skimpy. I don't like clubs nor drugs nor actions of any prostitute; my father apologized for the quick judgments--but I do understand him, I can't blame him if that is what the media is portraying the youth of today.) My step-father also started out by attacking my faith, that I was becoming "too Christian," loving God "too much," and as a Muslim, he was getting sick of it. And he didn't want my sister to get sucked into it like I had let myself. This led to tears and harsh words, but with a quick and sincere prayer to God, I started understanding where all this was coming from: my parents have been contemplating getting separated.

And I had no idea until tonight. 

And it broke my heart. 

I cried when I realized this. My biological father left before he even met me. Will my dad leave now, too? I was breaking inside as I heard my parents tell me their pain. Their marriage has never been the most romantic or affectionate, due to my dad's strict Muslim upbringing and culture mainly, but also to my mother's laziness and lack of understanding. But I never imagined that they felt they were falling out of love, that perhaps my family would get broken up and I would join the ranks of Americans whose families failed and where the sacrament of marriage was undermined. Never say never, right? 

But, I also realized that God has a reason for my very existence, that I am meant to be so much more--truly a Light in this dark world during these dark times. I had wanted to be bowling with my friends, carefree and in a sense, care-less. My family needed me tonight, they needed me there to care--because they were on the verge of not caring anymore, of giving up on us as a family. I'm not saying they were going to get a divorce right then and there, but their hearts were breaking and they needed healing.

It's interesting because although I am their daughter, most of my life in this family has had me as the adult--I have always had to solve conflicts, be the mediator and mentor, help out with finances, etc. And that is a burden most kids don't have. They get to be kids, and get to ask of their parents. But with me, my parents have always been asking of me; they have needed me to be the adult and shed clear light on their troubles and situations. It's scary sometimes because I feel that I can barely handle my own struggles, so to add my parent's pain on top of that, and my sister's as well, ... well, my heart gets crushed sometimes. But God's heart is here. And all I know, is that He provides. He loves better than our hearts are able to. So crushed or not, God used me tonight to heal some hearts. 

And that is a sublime and divine privilege. 

It is easy to give up; to not care, to not love, to be selfish and have fun; to forget that there, in fact, are other hearts out there that just need to hear "I Love You" before it's too late. But we are not called to an easy life. 

My parents began the night in tears and hurt, but thanks to the miracles of God's plans, they ended the night in smiles and tickles--rejuvenated love. 

I don't know the future, but I know that God does. And I know that God does and works all things for Good... Even when I doubt it sometimes. What's so great is that God doesn't DOUBT like me though. God DOES. and just IS. And God is Love, after it all ... <3 

Forgiving at 21

Life is so unexpected and overwhelming and messy sometimes that I truly cannot grasp the immensity of it all. Just take a look at the sky and you will know what I mean. 
I recently turned 21, and that is a milestone for most. Most (Americans) turn to binge drinking and other seemingly reckless activities on that big day--I believe a huge reason for this is because their lives still harbor a lot of hurt, and the nature of alcohol is easy to numbing pain. But for anyone who has drank excessively before, they know that too much drinking quickly leads to too much guilt and shameful reflection, and the night usually doesn't end well, whether it is throwing up, bashing on others, being violent, and/or just being sad and depressed. Alcohol is a depressant after all... So what usually begins as a great prospect for a fun night out ends up being a pathetic display of human weakness. While, in the past, I was in that lifestyle, luckily for me, I have become aware that excessive drinking and partying are still empty and lonely experiences, no matter how you try to look at it. And for anyone who knows me, I still love to party and dance, but now I do so moderately and in an environment filled with the love of my family and the friends that I can really confide in.
I turned 21 this past Tuesday, and lately, I have been very reflective. I also have come to face with some tough questions. However, I know that through it all, faith is the only thing that keeps me centered. 

In the personal struggle to forgive those who have really hurt me in the past, whether it be my family, friends, or my ex, I have come to a fantastic understanding. As a believer in the Kingdom of God, I understand that all children of God have a purpose in life--something they are meant to do to help further God's Kingdom and His Love. And that means ALL of His children, absolutely every single one. Even those who have hurt me. Their hurt to me, whether intentional or not, is in no way big enough or important enough or strong enough to stop the advancement of the Holy Kingdom. God's Love will inevitably shine through, and His Victory is for ALL of us--the good, the bad, and the ugly of us. 
With this understanding in mind, I immediately recognize, that forgiveness is that much more important. To forgive those who have hurt me, means that in my own heart, I am taking an active role in advancing the Kingdom. Not only that, but through forgiveness, love shines through and God is always at work--so how can I ever attempt to stop God's work in me? I can't. I simply can't. And it is comforting because I know that the God that works in me, in YOU, is just so loving and merciful and always wishes the best for us. 
That is why we need to forgive and wish the best for those who have hurt us. This is why I am capable of forgiving those who have hurt me, and this is why I sincerely and honestly wish my ex, and the other people from my painful past, the best in life--love, happiness, and success. That is not to say that I have forgiven every one one-hundred-percent of their actions against me. This is simply to say that with this knowledge about forgiveness, the actual task of forgiving someone becomes reasonable and desirable. We should forgive and truly want success for all, whether they hurt us or not, because through that hurt and other actions, their lives have a greater purpose at work. 
I am still in the throes of human confinement--where my heart remembers the pain although I am trying to forgive and move on. But I know, that because my heart is in the redemptive love of Christ, I will soon be able to forgive--and forgive them all: my abusive first love,  my absent biological father, the mocking friends from my past, but most importantly, the hypocritical person that I am myself. . . 


To understand that every human has a purpose for a greater mission in Life is a beautiful gift that naturally is followed by forgiveness and love. 

Thoughts

Ever wondered why things happen the way they do? Well, that is the story of my life, about 99% of the time. Even with faith in God, certain occurrences and situations really stump me. Like, why did one of my close friends lose their mom to cancer? She was still pretty young, and her leaving meant that not only did my friend lose his mother, but his dad lost his adored wife, and my mom lost her best friend. It was a low blow for all of us and ever since, things have definitely not been the same. My close friend and I aren't so close anymore, unfortunately, and no matter how I try to close the gap that has been widening over the years, he is still distant and won't acknowledge it. His father is happy, sure, with a new girlfriend, who is living with them, but you can see the sadness imprinted on his face. I don't know if it will ever really go away. And my own sweet mother, well, she has kept herself busier than ever, going through so many different jobs and coming out of it dissatisfied  every time.
I also wonder why the blessing of going abroad for a year really tested my character. I was in perhaps two of the most beautiful places in the world: Florence, Italy and Prague, Czech Republic. The former was a dream come true--a dream I did not even know was possible, but then, with so many blessings from the LORD, why did I even doubt! It came to pass: application after application, and with no personal cost for me or my family! Say Whaaaat? And since I could, I went abroad once more to the latter destination. I enjoyed myself in both locations, and I definitely learned a lot about myself and about the world surrounding me. But I had to reach my lowest low for some reason unbeknownst to my person. Read on.
Interestingly enough, leaving home to study abroad also placed more tension on a crumbling relationship I had with a man who I thought was going to be The One. Yes, The One—to marry, to love and to hold, for ever and ever, amen. But I now know that that very same relationship had been poisoning me for as long as I can remember. The distance was much needed breathing room, which slowly revealed the true nature of the man I thought was going to be The One. Yes, he turned out to be The One—to break my heart, to leave me hopeless and reckless, to drag me to the pits of Hell with suicidal thoughts and self-corruption (which manifested themselves in Prague while I was visiting Berlin alone). He was mainly the one who showed me that I had to value myself, alone. Because when I was alone in Prague, my mind went crazy, over and over, and I became someone I didn't know. I was different. The person I became scared me and the reason I was so scared was because I felt like I was losing myself to the destruction of the world of drugs. I won't say much more on the matter, because it is very frightening to speak about, but I can assure you, that if it wasn't for what Jesus did for me (and you) on The Cross, I wouldn't be here, alive, sharing my tale. It is as simple as that.
Read on?
With everything I have been through in my young life of only twenty years—not knowing my father and wondering about my origins, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my step-father, losing three sets of best friends to the frailties of youth, typical doubts and fears of self-worth due to past obesity, feeling true hopelessness and loss of sanity, a house fire at the age of five—how did I even make it this far? What else will I have to go through? That may be a little dramatic, but pain is relative. 
It also is all in the mind, speaking from a Psychological perspective. 
As I write this, the only justification for any of this, or any pain experienced by anyone in life, is that endurance produces character (Romans 5:4). Somewhere else in the bible (1 Peter 1:7), it is mentioned that when fires engulf our lives, they are only extant to refine our faith, in a sense, to bring forth the true gold that lies within our character. So the only constant in life is truth, let's say: something like the Sun. This is something that we can all agree on, regardless of religious/personal beliefs, or whether you are a child of the day or a creature of the night. 
The Sun always... is.
And I find that to be comforting.