Hurting others only ends up hurting yourself in the end.
I have hurt a lot of people in my life, even people that I truly care about and love dearly.
And that is the greatest guilt on my heart, one that is so heavy and unbearable.
From friends in middle school to my ex boyfriend (who depending on my mood is either amazing or a disgusting lowlife trashy loser), and even my mother sometimes.
But the person I want to address here is my beloved sister. Although she is technically my half sister, because we have different fathers, she was born on my birthday for a reason and I call her my sister. God sent her here to me and I have loved her from the moment I saw her.
Only thing is, I didn't appreciate this gift as much as I should have, until now. And luckily, it still is not too late--she is still here with me and so every day is a new day to make it all up to her. To remind her that I love her so so much and that I AM HERE for her.
I literally cry at the thought of how bad of a sister I have been, to my sweet little angel who didn't deserve any of my ill-mannered actions against her. I was a very depressed and angry obese teenager, hormonal and paranoid and lonely. And for some reason, I would take out all my negative emotions on her, an innocent and once-happy child. I really think that most of the reason why she is so angry now, and so hard to get to open up and share her emotions, is because of me. And that really pains me. It is such a heavy guilt.
I was abusive to her. And I try to rack my brain for answers as to why, but I come up with nothing. As far as I can remember, there really was no reason why I did such things to her. I was really mean to people in middle school--I was a fat and mean bully. I was even abusive to my ex boyfriend, jealous and abusive and cynical. And that truly gets to me; hurts me that I was so hurtful to others who did not really deserve such unwarranted behavior. I think back now and cannot understand, cannot even fathom, why I would be so cruel, especially to a cute and loving child like my younger sister.
And my regret doesn't even end with that--I was also neglectful of her as I got older and as I became very much involved with my ex. I stopped spending time with my family and dedicated all of me to some man who isn't even with me anymore. I couldn't wait to leave my house to be with him because I felt that no one loved me or cared about me or really wanted to know anything about me--meanwhile, me leaving was showing just those same sentiments to my little sister. My mind and my thinking were so warped; I had convinced myself that being with my ex boyfriend was better than being with my one and only family. And now, I am suffering the consequences of those decisions.
It just hurts me so much, sooo much, to have to accept that I am a big root to all of my sister's emotional pain. I love her sooo much and I can't fathom why or how I became that way. If I could, I definitely would go back in time and change SO many things in my life. And people always wanna bs their way and say "I don't regret anything" but we all know that there are certain things you do regret; and that it is normal.
All I can say is that I am so thankful to have realized all of this BEFORE it was too late--while I still have the chance to make up for my mistakes and my past. To really let my family know that I love them, and that I am willing to take all the blames and hurt because I would do anything for them to show them I love them; to show my little sister that I would, without a doubt in an instant! give up my life for hers, give up everything I have (save my faith) to give her everything she could ever need to be happy. I love her so much, it is ridiculous how much my heart aches knowing that her heart aches at any moment, if for but a moment.
I pray for forgiveness, wholly. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"--This is a huge and demanding request and requirement of our salvation, and it is one that only can be accomplished through God's Good Grace. I pray that I forgive how much others have hurt me, because I know that deep in my heart, I still have yet to forgiven many many people, both recent and of a more distant past. I pray that they may forgive me, because I know that although they have hurt me, I probably have hurt more people than I can imagine, and I regret all of that--I am not that way at all now, in no way shape or form could I hurt someone I love. But more than that, I need God's Grace to forgive myself--right now, I am really struggling with the fact that my past was so bleak and abusive, that I cry only thinking about it. I cry because I can feel their pain in my own heart, and I cry more because that pain was done by own hands, ushered from my own being. How do you forgive a monster when that monster is you?
Lord, may You please have mercy on my soul for I have walked a very sinful road. And as I continue to walk this road, more ugly things from my past are popping up; God is showing me all the wrong I have done, but what is beautiful even in that, is that His Love will always make everything new. And I am being made new, and I am working with Him to get through all of this. My family and I are growing together, and healing together, and I just pray that Mercy rains on me and in our hearts. I can't do this on my own.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Hope
Somewhere over the rainbow, my prince charming is waiting at the end of it with a pot o' gold and a beautiful big diamond ring... But most importantly, he is there with his heart, waiting for me. Yep, somewhere out there.
Recently, the concept of a relationship has sprung up again into my mind and into my heart. And if you know me and what I have been going through, that is somewhat of a shock. But, I think the main reason why I am thinking about this a lot is because I was discerning a religious vocation (aka becoming a nun). It's been something that I have been praying about. However, another reason why I have been thinking about it a lot is because, I woke up one morning in a not-so-cheery mood, when my mother attacked me with the dreaded question: "When are you gonna get a boyfriend?! YA ES TIEMPO MI'JA!" All I could do, as I rubbed away some sleep from my eyes, was to sigh deeply. But inside, so many answers fluttered in a frenzy across my mind. I wanted to shout out "When I can find a decent man!" or "NEVER!! ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!!"
But the truth is, I know it won't happen anytime soon because what needs to first happen is for me to properly be able to discern between the TRASH and the TREASURE. See, men (and women as well) can be quite mischievous and clever and with so many tricks up their sleeves, and all in the wrong respects. Growing up, I have had my fair share of horrible relationships. This one time, when I was fourteen and my ignorance allowed me to date an 18-year-old (shame on him/me), I thought I was falling in love. The guy I was dating was doing everything right: calling me everyday, telling me beautiful things and hopes for a happy future, and not only that, but he was buying me almost everything I never knew I wanted. From coach bags, to an entire ruby jewelry set collection, he was pampering me like no one has ever done. And that was nice and all, but I've always been a simple girl: my love don't cost a thing, and you definitely can't buy me with fancy gifts. On our one-month anniversary (lol --if you've ever been in a teenage romance, you know you had those too!), he took me to the fancy catering hall he was working at and had it set up like a movie! One table in the middle of a big room, with dim lights, candles, red roses, and a violinist! To make a sad tale short, he got me drunk without my consent and tried to take advantage of me, but because I never gave him what he wanted (sex), he broke up with me immediately the following morning. He did it over the phone and was so honest about it: "I just called to tell you that while we were dating, I was with my girlfriend the whole time. And I only wanted you to have sex. But since you are such a prude bitch, I don't need you anymore" I remember his words so clearly. I was so angry and upset and hurt and I felt so used and dumb, but I told him off and we never spoke again. At least I still had my dignity; He couldn't buy me no matter how hard he tried.
I shared that little story because it is the most extreme case that I know of in regards to how far people will actually go just to get sex--without any concern about the damage they do to another person. Did he completely forget that I had a heart? Little do people come to realize that finding a person of HEART is a rare commodity this day and age. And that is why I refrain from being in a relationship right now. Not just because of that one jerk I dated a couple of years ago, but because I still see jerks like that (men AND women). There are so many people out there who only want the physical, who don't care about the wonderful gifts that come with LOVE, and who won't even put the time to pretend to want to be in a loving relationship. This society has turned so many hearts into cold lifeless machines, but mine is still beating hot and bright because of the love of Christ. And I am not ashamed to say it. I still believe in love because I believe that there IS something MORE for me, someone made FOR me and someone who will LOVE me like I was MADE to be loved.
It is interesting because sometimes, it does get really lonely, of course it does! I am not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I wake up strong and happy to be single every single day. HECK NO! I want my man. But the difference is that I know I need to be patient. And it is also interesting because sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who still believes in true love anymore--who still wants to wait for true love. But here I am, waiting. And patience has never been my strongest trait. But prayer and hope really does wonders.
Recently, the concept of a relationship has sprung up again into my mind and into my heart. And if you know me and what I have been going through, that is somewhat of a shock. But, I think the main reason why I am thinking about this a lot is because I was discerning a religious vocation (aka becoming a nun). It's been something that I have been praying about. However, another reason why I have been thinking about it a lot is because, I woke up one morning in a not-so-cheery mood, when my mother attacked me with the dreaded question: "When are you gonna get a boyfriend?! YA ES TIEMPO MI'JA!" All I could do, as I rubbed away some sleep from my eyes, was to sigh deeply. But inside, so many answers fluttered in a frenzy across my mind. I wanted to shout out "When I can find a decent man!" or "NEVER!! ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!!"
But the truth is, I know it won't happen anytime soon because what needs to first happen is for me to properly be able to discern between the TRASH and the TREASURE. See, men (and women as well) can be quite mischievous and clever and with so many tricks up their sleeves, and all in the wrong respects. Growing up, I have had my fair share of horrible relationships. This one time, when I was fourteen and my ignorance allowed me to date an 18-year-old (shame on him/me), I thought I was falling in love. The guy I was dating was doing everything right: calling me everyday, telling me beautiful things and hopes for a happy future, and not only that, but he was buying me almost everything I never knew I wanted. From coach bags, to an entire ruby jewelry set collection, he was pampering me like no one has ever done. And that was nice and all, but I've always been a simple girl: my love don't cost a thing, and you definitely can't buy me with fancy gifts. On our one-month anniversary (lol --if you've ever been in a teenage romance, you know you had those too!), he took me to the fancy catering hall he was working at and had it set up like a movie! One table in the middle of a big room, with dim lights, candles, red roses, and a violinist! To make a sad tale short, he got me drunk without my consent and tried to take advantage of me, but because I never gave him what he wanted (sex), he broke up with me immediately the following morning. He did it over the phone and was so honest about it: "I just called to tell you that while we were dating, I was with my girlfriend the whole time. And I only wanted you to have sex. But since you are such a prude bitch, I don't need you anymore" I remember his words so clearly. I was so angry and upset and hurt and I felt so used and dumb, but I told him off and we never spoke again. At least I still had my dignity; He couldn't buy me no matter how hard he tried.
I shared that little story because it is the most extreme case that I know of in regards to how far people will actually go just to get sex--without any concern about the damage they do to another person. Did he completely forget that I had a heart? Little do people come to realize that finding a person of HEART is a rare commodity this day and age. And that is why I refrain from being in a relationship right now. Not just because of that one jerk I dated a couple of years ago, but because I still see jerks like that (men AND women). There are so many people out there who only want the physical, who don't care about the wonderful gifts that come with LOVE, and who won't even put the time to pretend to want to be in a loving relationship. This society has turned so many hearts into cold lifeless machines, but mine is still beating hot and bright because of the love of Christ. And I am not ashamed to say it. I still believe in love because I believe that there IS something MORE for me, someone made FOR me and someone who will LOVE me like I was MADE to be loved.
It is interesting because sometimes, it does get really lonely, of course it does! I am not going to sit here and lie and pretend that I wake up strong and happy to be single every single day. HECK NO! I want my man. But the difference is that I know I need to be patient. And it is also interesting because sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who still believes in true love anymore--who still wants to wait for true love. But here I am, waiting. And patience has never been my strongest trait. But prayer and hope really does wonders.
I was praying while I was walking my dog one night, giving thanks for having experienced another day, when I noticed a little light out of the corner of my eye. And then it disappeared. When I focused a tiny bit more, I noticed there were so many! They were all floating around a beautiful bush of light pink roses. Fireflies! One thing I love so much about summer nights are fireflies. They pop up when you least expect it, and they do so with such poise. Fireflies are so special because they don't just intrude on the scenery, but rather, they seam to weave themselves seamlessly through the moments, glowing dimly, in and out of existence. They are magnificent representations of life--fleeting moments of brilliance, yet, so poignant. When I see them, living so easily, they truly spark my hope, much like how they give new light to the night.
As my dog was watching them with me, I felt a peaceful hope. I know that I will live to see the day where my heart glows again, warm and fuzzy and happy.
As my dog was watching them with me, I felt a peaceful hope. I know that I will live to see the day where my heart glows again, warm and fuzzy and happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)